three girly girls

This is it. :(

2010-08-16T20:36:00.002-04:00

I'm so excited and a little sad to write this post. Three Girly Girls days are all done. It's been great but there's a fresh new site with lots of great things brewing over at www.nickikoziarz.com!! Please be sure to check it out and sign up for instant updates.

This will stay up for a little bit but eventually you will be directed right over there.

Thanks for the support and understanding!!

So much.

2010-08-10T07:00:00.001-04:00

This morning I am knee deep in excitement, preparation, nerves and anticipation for the next few days. For those of you who have been around on this blog know that a few weeks ago I won a scholarship to the Philadelphia's Writer Conference.

I leave tomorrow, with the thought that just a few days ago I wasn't going to even be able to attend. But God.

But God period.

He is continually blowing me away with the plans He always has brewing...that I know nothing about. I love to be surprised and God completely blew me away with this scholarship, airfare and arrangements for my girls.

It feels so good to have people support and believe in this purpose that God has given my heart. And to those people [and they know who they are] I was filled with so much undeniable gratefulness as I laid my head down to sleep last night.

Listen, I know full and well I have a long road ahead of me still.

But slowly, God is leading me step by step into the promises He gave me two years ago. I am not trying to become the next Beth Moore, Joyce Meyer or even Billy Graham. I am Nicki Koziarz -whose last name is very difficult to say. I am an unlikely Jesus girl who has been through a lot in the few short years of my life who just wants to bring healing through Him to other's with similar roads. And I know if I will just hang on, He will continue to allow me to see glimpses of what He's doing. I have so much to learn still and so many areas to improve on but He keeps showing me -there is no qualification for His touch on our lives.

And so, I will pack up my carry on bag (because have mercy for luggage fees) and I will carefully place my book proposals, business cards and hairspray (because you don't travel without that staple) inside of it. I will kiss my girls and husband good-bye and leave this city of Charlotte that I love so much. I will fasten my seat belt and take off in an aircraft that I will ask the hand of God to hold carefully -for safety and because...there's a big dream inside of it.

I will go to a city that I've never explored, stay with a roommate I do not know and meet people who are way out of my league. I will sit face to face with publishers (again) who will intimidate the living daylights out of me and we will play the rounds of: platform, writing, idea and purpose.

And I will pray fiercely that one person will see it. That they will see God...in me and in the carefully typed words in front of them.

I expect rejection. I expect some praise. I expect new friendships and I expect to see God in the most unlikely way. Because that just seems to be how He rolls with me.

I will stand behind the vision and I will stand on behalf of every unlikely Jesus girl out there.

So friend, I don't know where you are on your journey. I don't know where I'm at either. I'm just taking things one step at a time. I'm not looking in front or behind or beside...I'm just walking.

And I don't know who this is for, but I feel like that's what God wants you to do too. Just keep walking. Keep your head high, your confidence in Him and your steps simple.

Ok, now...listen. I've got some news. No, I'm not pregnant...(ha)....Three Girly Girls is in its last days. I hate it like its not even funny but I just can't have two blogs. So...change is good. Change is good. Change is good. Repeat after me...Change is good. (smile)

So be on the lookout soon for a new and awesome site that will be redirected right from here. You will like it, I promise. It's good for your eyes to have something new to look at. [smile]

Ok, off I go. Philly, I don't know what you have for me, but I'm coming! Wish me luck. Say a prayer. Or both. (preferably...prayer. :) )

No hands of accusation.

2010-08-09T08:17:00.002-04:00

A long time ago someone in my life was accused of something they did not do. It was devastating. It was painful. It stirred emotions and it caused a lot of division.

Watching this person go through this was difficult. There were things I wanted to say or do to control the situation. I wanted to defend!

Let's face it though, we've all been accused of something we didn't do at some point in our lives. And if you haven't...well, you probably have been -you just don't know about it.

Accusation is such a troublesome place.

But lately, I've really been working through being able to accept someone accusing me of something. Before, I would immediately put up my guard and march to the beat of I.Am.Going.To.Prove.You.Wrong.

The thing is friends, in this life, there is always going to be someone who doesn't like us. I've come to accept this a long time ago. It's hard to believe that everyone wouldn't think we are the greatest thing since sliced bread but the truth is...some people just really don't like us.

And there are some people we really don't like either.

Sure the bible tells us to as much as possible live at peace with everyone. But I know a huge chunk of that peace comes from within us. And if someone doesn't like us...well, then they don't like us.

Consider Proverbs 14:15 "The gullible believe anything they're told; the prudent sift and weigh every word."

The hand of accusation can really stir the pot. It makes you sometimes even wonder, "Did I really do/say that?" Even though we know in the depths of our hearts we did not. Satan loves to get us all confused and torn apart.

But I love the second part of that verse: "sift and weigh every word"

There is mighty strength in that!

Getting before God and laying out all of our accusations against us is the first step. But then asking Him to sift and weigh them to see if there is any truth to them. Maybe He will show us that there is some truth -maybe He will show us that it's all a scheme of the devil.

But the bottom line is...consider it. Consider all you are accused of...before God. Not with your friends. Then, if the Lord shows you that you have done no wrong...then you walk in that truth from Him. You step away from the argument and the hands of accusation.

We will never be able to be right in every person's eyes. Sometimes simply for the fact that there are some people that just don't like us. Other times it's a season of growth and maybe we do need to consider what we are being accused of.

But the bottom line is this...if I am right in God's eyes...nothing else matters. And that is the truth. People are going to say what they are going to say and accuse what they want to accuse you of. But stay near to Him, keep your mind on the advancement of God's word and live according to the Spirit. Know what you know.

How we react to your challenges in life will tell whether we are wise or foolish.

We don't have to put up with the devil's lies. And that is the truth!

I hear Lord, LOUD AND CLEAR.

2010-08-06T09:44:00.004-04:00

This morning something has got me all fired up. I hope that I can delicately relate this to you so that I don't appear on this blog to sound crazy or out-there...but on the other hand, I really don't care at this point.

I'm about sick to death of the enemy using Gods very own people for his purpose.

And the thing is...we are letting him. We don't realize it until to it's to late because we don't have our guards up, we are not in Gods word, we are not praying and we are playing Christian good girl like we never have.

For the past few days I have been walking around like a wounded warrior. My heart has been so heavy and ready to dissolve from God's purpose for me because of one person. ONE PERSON.

A respectable person, a kind person but a person who crushed my calling in five minutes faster than any scheme the devil has ever tried to rise up against me.

Oh friends, this morning the Lord has awakened my soul and shown me how through jealousy and envy for other peoples callings, the enemy is winning. People who have missed their moments for their destiny are jealous people. And they want to steal whatever promise God has given us because they didn't meet their life achievement quota.

But I am finished. No one is stealing what God has shown me is my purpose. Especially another believer.

I believe in the message He has given to me because it's a message that leads others to salvation! I don't want to sell books, or speak to thousands, I just want my neighbor to know that yes, the church is sometimes a horrible place. We are the worst to knock down and destroy...but that our God is a good God and He loves us and wants this garbage to stop within HIS walls.

I want to use everything He's given me for this purpose. I want to take the pain and heartache that I've received and turn that into an offering of service. I don't care what the girl in front of me is doing, the girl beside me or the girl behind me. God's going to do what God's going to do.

And so, I think about what is in my hand today. I don't have to respond to others whose motives are questionable. I don't have to pick my brain to pieces to see what I can do to further myself -because yes friends, even the Christian culture is POUNDING this message into our brains.

Today, I simply look at my hands just like Moses did. And I see what is in them...today. Not what is coming tomorrow. Today. Every person that I will see, touch and have the ability to make an impression on...I will do so with the highest quality possible. Because I know who I represent and I it's HIM -not a ministry or an opportunity. And He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, so how could I not shout that from the roof-tops?

Life is not about the opportunities, it's about the obligations to represent Him well. And so...that is what I will do.

I hope that these words reach the right person, at the right time. Because God is moving through our nation and world like never before. And we will either be ready or be a stumbling block for someone else. Don't let the devil try to steal what God has for you but also don't let the devil use you to steal what God has for others.

What's in your hands today?

I know He's working while I wait.

2010-08-05T09:03:00.003-04:00

One of my favorite worship songs is From the Inside Out by Hillsong. I love that song because it really makes me stop and evaluate my heart. And that is where I find myself this morning...evaluation.

A thousand times I fail, your mercy remains.

I will be completely honest and tell you that my heart aches right now knowing that my story is in the hands of complete strangers [in the form of a book proposal] and they will most likely look at it and say, "Thanks but no thanks."

I don't say that to make you feel sorry for me, or to play the humble pie card. The facts are, it's very hard to get published and I am fully aware of that.

My heart and my soul, I give you control.

Yet, I continue to seek His plan for my life. And then I think of you, who sits on the other side of this computer screen. The things your hearts ache for...healing, babies, marriages made whole, the right husband or just enough to pay the bills this month.

Inside each of our hearts are the aches that we long to be fulfilled and not even for our own purposes. We long for things to make us greater in Him.

The art of loosing myself in bringing you praise.

I read verses like Psalm 56:8:

You've kept track of my every toss and turn
through the sleepless nights,
Each tear entered in your ledger,
each ache written in your book.

And know that God sees every longing and ache in our lives. And He's keeping track. And He's watching over us. And He loves us like no one ever will. And He believes in us more than anyone. All those ugly tears that we have cried, He knows the number -that blows my mind away.

Consume me from the inside out.

He knows our motives. What we do when no one is looking -good and bad. And He knows when our hearts are good and pure.

Let justice and praise become my embrace to love you from the inside out.

And so today, I lay my Nicki Koziarz, heart down before Him. I praise Him for the things He is doing that I cannot see or know about right now. I ask Him to hold my heart carefully and its as if He looks at me and says, "Would I do it any other way?"

God is for us. He's on our side. He's with us. The Lord looks at all the girls in this world and chooses you and I for His purpose. We just have to wait...on Him.

Love Him from the inside out.

A lot to process: She Speaks 2010.

2010-08-03T09:59:00.003-04:00

Hello bloggers. I have SO much to tell you and SO much to process, I may never get through this post. [smile] But I will try, ok?

God has been speaking to me in a very simple way. He keeps saying, trust in Him and to believe in His promises. Simple enough. But I am apparently very complicated.

So a few nights ago, I opened up the door and saw this amazing rainbow. I'm sure I'm not the only one in Charlotte who felt this way at that moment but it was as if God sent this gorgeous sight...just for me. The preparations for the She Speaks conference was...a lot. I poured a lot into my book proposal, more than I ever had. And this reminder from God was, I can prepare and prepare until I have nothing left to prepare. But God's promise is His promise and that is where I am to stand, always.

I went into the four days of the She Speaks conference with that beautiful image in my head and heart. God's promises to us are simple but true.

I'm so mad at myself for the lack of pictures I took. But this was one of my favorite people at She Speaks this year, Cindy. God is taking Cindy to heights she never imagined with her story. Cindy was selected as the Lifetime TV shows Army Wives winner for what she is doing with her journey through breast cancer. One of my favorite moments of the weekend was sitting on the floor in the prayer room just praying over her. She's amazing and I'm so blessed to have her as a friend.

This was another amazing woman I got to meet. She is actually a friend of my mom's who has been so encouraging to my mom through her journey through cancer. This is Kim and she's just as sweet as she looks in this picture. Love her!

I also met some amazing people named Lee, Wendy, Nichole, Kimberly, Pamela, Carol, Mary, Emily and so many more! My heart was FULL after this weekend. There were some AMAZING women there. And now we are all BFF's. [smile] I also got to hang out a little with the amazing Samantha from P31 and the Compassion girls, Shawna and Laura -who I LOVE dearly.

And this my friends is our little team: The She Seeks crew. Each of them mean so much to me and they were amazing to hang out with this weekend. We laughed, they wiped my many tears [that's another post] and we just had a great time together! I'm so blessed to be apart of this team and I cannot wait to see where God takes us this next year as we embark on year #2 of our ministry.

Now. For the moment we have all been waiting for. Oh yes. The moment I met one of my writer hero's, Angela Thomas! I have replayed this moment in my head over and over. Let me see if I can put it into words.

Saturday July 31st was my 30th birthday. I have to be honest and tell you that it started off really bad. It was the most emotional roller coaster day I have ever had. But the moment my whole day started to turn around was at this moment. I was sitting at the She Seeks table and I noticed that a lot of people were standing around. But I just thought a session had just gotten out or something.

Then, all of the sudden I heard a huge group of people singing, "Happy Birthday!"...and I know my face turned a thousand shades of red. I just thought it was a sweet gesture from some of the attendees. So I looked over at my friend Lisa and I was laughing and she says, "Just wait, it gets better." And I turned my head and looked and behind a swarm of people was Angela Thomas, with a cupcake, singing Happy Birthday. Just writing about this brings tears to my eyes.

She came over and gave me a big hug and I was stunned. I had so much to say to her, but I just went numb. It was like one of those moments where you have been dying to meet someone and then...you have nothing to say! But she is super sweet and I just LOVED meeting her. One of the top five moments of my life for sure. So thank you, thank you again to everyone who was involved in pulling that off! I was so surprised!

The rest of that day was amazing and God really did some neat things. It's just a day I will never forget.

I know a lot of you are wondering how my publisher appointments went. I can tell you this, they went good. I received good feedback but I also have some things I've got to think through and pray through. But be looking for some changes soon on this blog. I know...sometimes change is bad but this time it will be good. I promise. [smile]

And last...but not least. I have the greatest husband ever. God has been doing some amazing things in our marriage lately and Kris made my birthday so special. He planned a surprise getaway to the beach on Sunday for my birthday. It was JUST what I needed after four amazing but information overload days. [smile] He's the best. And I know your husband is the best too but Kris is really the best...for me.[smile]

One more thing...the winners to the giveaway. I know, I'm so slack you may never enter a giveaway on my blog again. [ha] And the winner is...Tanya at Life in 3D! Email me your address so that I can get Stacey to send you your goodies. Thanks everyone for participating and helping spread the word.

So I'm pretty sure I've missed something on this processing update but I think I covered a lot.

And now...loads of laundry, grocery shopping and errands are awaiting my presence. So off I go. Love you all and if you were at She Speaks please leave a comment and let me know if you posted about your experience, I'd LOVE to read it.

I have not forgotten.

2010-07-29T13:11:00.002-04:00

I just haven't had time to sit down and put all the entries into a random drawing! So...contest extended until...Monday. I will have tons to tell you on Monday too!

Thanks for your patience!

Much love,
nicki

A giveaway and a chance to help.

2010-07-25T10:07:00.003-04:00

Hi bloggy friends!

I'm really excited today because my friend Stacey contacted me and asked me if I would be willing to do a giveaway for the jewelry company that she sells for. Ordinarily, $2.00 from the sales of each these charms benefit Shaohannah’s Hope. You can win one for free!

This ministry, founded by Steven Curtis and Mary Beth Chapman, helps set waiting orphans into loving homes by giving financial grants to families who are in the process of adoption, which can cost between 10,000 and 40,000. Thus far, Shaohannah’s Hope has helped over 1,800 children from 40 different countries experience the miracle of adoption. For more information on how your gift can change the life of a child forever, visit www.showhope.org.

Together we can help. Inspiranza Designs became aware of the plight of millions of homeless children around the world and that knowledge cannot be ignored. Through the inspirational music of Steven Curtis Chapman we found Shaohannah’s Hope. It is our wish to shine for those who need our voice to tell their story. No child should be without a family and together we can help make a difference.

Inspiranza Designs will donate $2.00 to Shaohannah’s Hope for every charm purchased. Build your charm bracelet one charm at a time and help build bridges of hope for waiting orphans and loving families.

If you would like to see or purchase more charms to benefit Shaohannah’s Hope, please go to www.myinspiranza.com/stacey. She also does parties: just for fun, or to raise funds for missions/adoptions!

So here's the deal. I get to giveaway these two charms! And I want you to help spread the word on how we can help with this awesome ministry. So all you have to do is leave a comment below for one entry, post a link on your blog for two entries, tweet or facebook for THREE entries. Super easy!

Random.

2010-07-22T08:30:00.000-04:00

So here we are. A week before the She Speaks conference and a week before my 30th birthday. You can only imagine the 900 places my brain has been to this week. Book proposal...getting old...book proposal...getting old...what am I going to wear?...getting old...book proposal...I need some new shoes...book proposal...is that a grey hair? yup...book proposal...you get the idea.

And this my friends, this is what happens when you set your kids in front of the TV for and UNGODLY amount of hours while you prepare for such conferences and inspect your face for wrinkles:

Sad isn't it?

But the good news is...the proposal is finished! Again! Hopefully it is much improved and the publisher's and agent that I will be meeting with will be much more impressed this year. Y'all I have to admit something...I wouldn't have published me either last year. My proposal? Ya...it was not so good. [smile]

So, there is really no purpose behind this post. I just wanted to blog. And it's a rare day when I have nothing to say. Except that, I'm getting old.

Ok, come back soon because there's a really great giveaway in the making. And that, NEVER gets old. :)

Much love.

The stench of forgiveness.

2010-07-19T08:38:00.002-04:00

For the past two weekend's at our church our Pastor, Steven Furtick has been preaching a series called "F-Bomb". One of the things I love the most about our church is that they take Jesus culture no-no's and turn them into Jesus culture yes-yes's. [oh my...that's horrible grammar ain't it?][smile]

So...the "F", in this bomb stood for forgiveness. And this was one of the most practical, insightful and transforming messages I have heard.

Normally when you hear a message on forgiveness, there is a lot of condemning. A lot of well...Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7, so turn that cheek and move on.

Yes, Jesus did say that.

But, Jesus also knew that forgiveness would be one of the hardest areas in our lives to overcome. It's not always as easy as just a little cheek turn.

When I think about my life in the past ten years, I can think of three situations that stick like glue to my heart when it comes to forgiving. I could take the time and write out all of the situations. Your mouth might drop, you might be shocked, and yes it would make for a very interesting blog.

But the one thing I have learned that was reiterated this weekend was that part that forgiveness means: setting a person free, and realizing that you were the prisoner the entire time.

I find myself going for days, weeks, months and even years without even thinking about the situation. And suddenly, a little stench of the situation creeps back in to my heart. Someone says something about them, I'm asked about a situation that has to do with them, or worse...they contact me for something. It stinks. Bad.

But friends, the one thing that I have come to fully grasp is that just because someone does us wrong...doesn't mean we have to do them wrong. Which is so counter-culture.

I loved how Pastor Furtick said, "Forgiveness isn't weakness..it's the ultimate portal to Christ."

Just because we don't gossip back, we don't steal back, we don't take away from them doesn't make us weak. It makes us just like...Him.

As I think about dropping a forgiveness bomb into my life and other's life there's a good stench -maybe like Grandma's apple pie in the oven good smell. It's a comforting smell, one that makes you want to stay awhile and soak up the goodness.

So what does the picture of forgiveness look like for me? As many times as this broken down Jesus girl has been forgiven, its pretty much a high standard in my life to forgive. Yes, people will hurt me, they will make me mad and I will have the ability to always have the ball in my court: I can become a hater of them or I can become a greater ambassador of Him.

I choose goodness. I choose grace. I choose love. I choose to...forgive. Because it's what He did for me. [John 3:16]

Don't hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you've got it in you, get along with everybody. Don't insist on getting even; that's not for you to do. "I'll do the judging," says God. "I'll take care of it." -Romans 12:17

You can listen to the sermon and other's at www.elevationchurch.org later today. But I would love to pray for you today. Is there something on your heart that you need someone to stand in the gap for? Whether it's forgiveness or another area of your life...I have time for you today. Please feel free to leave a comment and you can anonymously, and I promise to get before the Father on your behalf.

Prayer changes things. Love you friends.

It's hard.

2010-07-15T08:17:00.003-04:00

Balance.

That is something I don't have a hold on right now. This blog has been very quite this summer and I'm sorry.

So much has been going on, I almost can't keep up. Our company, Trust Electrical (click to go to the website), is up and running and moving fast. I have been so amazed at God's hands of blessing as we've journeyed into this but I have also felt overwhelmed at times.

A friend of mine wrote the most beautiful prayer gift for our company. I'm waiting to get it framed but for now, it's taped to the wall above our desk. As I think about the words and verses that she has poured into the foundation for us, I can't help but continue to soak on the ability to always pass on the goodness of God.

You and I always have that ability. And it's truly one of the most powerful perspectives of Christ there is, He is good.

So while there has been some bad mixed into all this good, like with any situation, I have done my best to rest on that standard: God is for us. He is with us. He stands beside us. And if our God is for us, than what can stand against?

Then, there's this whole other dimension to my life right now. The writing. The She Speaks conference is coming in less that two weeks and the Philadelphia Writer's conference is less than a month away. So...there's not been a lot of time to mess around anymore with the proposal and my chapters.

And I have to confess that, it's been hard. Because writing this book is a dream -absolutely. But I believe it's a purpose from God. I have no dreams to become famous, or to make gazillions of dollars to to have this be my boosting platform I need to "make-it" in ministry. Those ideas mean nothing to me.

When I work on the words that flow through my fingers for that project, I think of the girl, I don't know who she is, but I know where she's at. Because of mistakes, failures and rejections an inner rebellion in her heart has begun because she believes the same lies that the devil tells me way to much. You are not worthy. God doesn't choose you.

And she is on my mind every time I begin to write.

But it's hard. Walking through those painful memories, it's hard. It stirs up things in my heart I'd rather not deal with. But then I think of her. What she's walking through right now -it's hard. It's painful. And she'd rather not deal with it...but she is. So it makes me press on.

Dream holders...I believe God is continually showing us over and over that perseverance pays off...yes. But that to see that dream come into full-circle, it's going to be hard.

And then -there are going to be the dream haters. Those that tell us things like, you are absolutely crazy to start a company in this economy -I don't support you. Or way to many people are trying to get published right now -I'll support the other dream you pursue. I guarantee for the dream in your heart, there's been a hater in your life for that dream.

But one promise that I've been standing on for everything we are going through right now is this. When God needs to deliver you into your purpose, He's gonna have to deliver everything around you too.

It's going to be hard. There's going to be haters -but don't give up. Stand firm on the promise that God has given YOU.

Through the process there will be a lot of refinement. You will see things about yourself that are not the most beautiful aspects. But know that as God brings those things into your perspective, He's doing it to make you all He wants you to be. Embrace the hard things because they are what God needs to use the most.

I love you friends. Each of you mean so much to me. I can't believe I've been blogging for four years this month. God has allowed so many people to come into my life through what started off as just a daily journal. And I believe in you. Press on with that dream in your heart. God's got great and mighty things to come.

Be an ambassador of God's goodness and watch it flow into your life too.

Much love in Him,
Nicki

A dangerous thing to ask.

2010-07-10T22:14:00.002-04:00

Lord, increase my faith.

Yes, it is. A dangerous thing to ask of God. But I believe in dangerous prayers.

Because dangerous prayers lead to dangerous faith which is ultimately what we all really want.

This past week two increases of faith things have happened in my life. And again, that whole love/hate thing with this blog comes rising up again. Because I know that on the other side of this screen are your eyes.

Eyes I cannot see. Eyes I may not know. And eyes that I may never look into which happens to be the main thing I don't care for with this blog. Because truthfully, I care what your eyes say. I am willing to be misunderstood but I am not willing to not care.

I am pretty much the poster-child for questionable faith. Which is why one like myself should not pray prayers of increasing faith. [smile] But none-the-less, I have prayed that prayer and God has answered. Yes, answered with a challenge.

A challenge to trust, to believe and to hope for a life of dangerous faith.

Kris, my husband, last week told me that he felt like God was moving him to start his own company. After I had my FO (freak-out) moment, I had to simply release the control I wanted to have over the situation.

Does it make any type of sense to start a company in this economy? No. Do I fully realize that we could lose everything? Yes.

These teeter-totter thoughts were all I could think on for a few hours.

But then, all it took was one person. Just one. My mom, to say, "I believe in you guys -you can do this."

Truthfully, there is something about anyone believing in you -but specifically from your mom. It that makes you go...ok maybe this could work.

And so, dangerous faith prevailed and Kris made the decision with my support. We now own a company! Crazy, I know.

A few days later I was having lunch with a friend. A friend I care a great deal for and feel very at ease to share my heart with. I had told her some of the struggles I was facing in my life. She simply shared the thought that sometimes, we just don't know what God is going to do.

I have heard that at least a thousand and one times in my life. But that day...it struck a chord with me like never before.

That afternoon I got home and was flumming through my e-mail. And there I saw it. An answer, and with an unexpected challenge to the dangerous thing to ask, "increase my faith".

A few weeks earlier I had entered a writing scholarship contest for the Philadelphia Christian Writer's Conference. I didn't tell a soul about this contest because quite frankly...I knew I had no chances of winning. But to my shock and disbelief there before me were a few sentence's with the words, "Congratulations, you are the Cecil Murphy scholarship winner!"

Yes, sometimes you just don't know what God is going to do. I sat there numb for a few moments, I truly couldn't believe it. Tears of joy, excitement and yet still...disbelief overcame me. I didn't know God was going to do that! And the timing...wow. Only God.

My heart aches to see your eyes right now because if I could I would look at you and say, "Pray that He will increase your faith but expect the challenge."

Faith is not a sprint to see who can get to the finish line first. It's a marathon and we are all at our own pace running in our own style. I've come to accept my style and admit fully that I need work. I need help. I need guidance. I need truth spoken into my own life. And sometimes...I run a bit slower than the world around me -I can't keep up.

I don't know what is to come from this company or this conference. The rest will come -whatever it is. So for now, I rest in that.

I wonder if you and I will accept the challenge and will we walk hard to gain dangerous faith? Will we look for the small steps? Because they will lead to the most giant leaps. And we have to be ready. Ready -because He's gonna say "now". He wants to take us by surprise...but will we let Him?

4th cont...

2010-07-08T21:45:00.005-04:00

Ok so listen, I have been trying and trying to get all these pictures uploaded on blogger but it's just not working. So...I am sooo sorry to not be able to post the rest. :(

Boo for blogger.

Anyway, I'm still wondering where the lazy, crazy, hazy days of summer are? I mean, hazy, yes...it's been H-O-T. But there has been nothing lazy about this summer thus far.

I've got so much to share with you soon. But I feel as though I might overwhelm you with pictures AND news. [smile] I know...we can only take so much in the online world.

So...I will be back -hopefully Monday, with an amazing knock-out post and no more pictures ok. Wow...saying that it will be a knock-out post just added all kinds of pressure to me...perhaps I should just say an O-K post on Monday. [smile]

Enjoy the rest of the pics.

Best 4th of July week...ever. part1

2010-07-06T07:00:00.000-04:00

Well bloggy friends, I'm about to overload you with pictures. (smile) But we have had the BEST 4th of July WEEK ever. It was so much fun and we made so many memories!

We've been busy with visits from family and friends and trips but I will be back soon with a "real" post.

This past week we went to Gatlinburg, TN with my side of the family. We had SO much fun. Here are a few pics from the trip.

Picking up Asher, Mike and Jenny from Seattle at the airport:

Taking Asher and Jenny for their first Chick fila experience:

Driving to Gatlinburg, so sleepy:

Me and the Boo in Gatlinburg, eating ice-cream:

Cousins. Together for the first time:

Me and the boo in the hot-tub, one of my favorite places:

Gatlinburg has so much to do it's almost overwhelming. Besides our beautiful cabin we did lot's of fun things like this, seeing the Titanic museum. It was really awesome:

This lil stinker doesn't like getting his picture taken with people. But I finally got one! :)

Kennedy and Mimi playing something silly:

Ok, that's all I have time for today, so sorry! Will be back with more tomorrow. LOT'S more to show you!!!

Winner announced!

2010-07-01T07:16:00.003-04:00

And the winner is....

#4 Bethany!

Yay! Please e-mail me at nickikoziarz@yahoo.com with your address and we will get your CD sent your way.

Thanks everyone for participating.

For the next few days I'm off to hang out with this super cute lil guy:

We are off to meet the Mimi and Popa in Gatlinburg for a few days of fun and celebration. So I will be back on Monday with loads of pictures from our trip.

I wish all of you a Happy Fourth of July!

Giveaway Day!

2010-06-29T08:32:00.004-04:00

I'm sooo excited about this giveaway. Lisa from philipmusic.com contacted me last week to see if I would be willing to do a giveaway for them. When I heard what the CD was I KNEW I had to do it.

As a mom there is nothing greater I can do for my girls than to teach them to hide God's word in their hearts. So that is why I'm thrilled to tell you about this awesome CD from philipmusic:

God's word from A to Z

Here is a description from their site:

We guarantee your kids will love the God's Words from A to Z CD! (And we have yet to meet a parent who doesn't feel the same way!) Easily memorize 26 essential Bible verses with unforgettable melodies. Hear clips and download the album with the button above or return to our Store for the best value on the physical CD. It makes a perfect gift any time of year.

This will make a great summer gift for your kids, someone else's kids, grand kids, church kids...anyone! Secretly, I can't wait to get my copy to learn too. [smile]

So all you have to do is leave a comment saying, "enter me" for one entry. If you tweet, facebook or put this link on your blog be sure to leave that in the comment section too for another entry.

The winner will be announced on Thursday (this Thursday) and your CD will be mailed to your house!

(Insert great title here)

2010-06-28T08:13:00.003-04:00

I am just not a person who fakes things well. This is one of my best qualities and worst qualities because while it's good to be authentic -sometimes you just gotta pull it together.

And so...this is where I tell you about this extreme love/hate relationship with this blog.

I love to write, I write daily. Whether it's on here or in my journal -words are always flowing through my fingers. But the problem with my writing is...I can't write what isn't on my soul. And what's in my soul right now...well, turns out there are things that I strongly believe need to be kept between you and the Lord.

And this just happens to be one of those seasons. One day there will be a great, beautiful story to share but right now it's a process.

It's one of the most painful seasons of life I've been through this far. And it's a season I would like to quickly pass.

But last night at church, God spoke a word to me like never before about this season.

I felt Him pick me up in His arms and cradle me with His undeniable presence and love. It was as if He placed a covering over me and told me over and over that He would always cover me. No matter what, He will cover me with His presence.

And because He is present...all things can be pleasant.

Did you get that? All things can be pleasant.

Maybe that's a word you need to hear too today. Somewhere in the midst of our journey with Christ we are often fed a lie...one that we are told that when we are in the center of God's will...we are the safest place to be. It's completely the opposite. When we are in the center of God's will, we are in the most dangerous place of our lives.

Opposition, hurt, fear and yes friends...failure -those are the truthful words about being in God's will.

During those long, hard days that seem to never end...sometimes (in the midst of God's will) we can forget that He is faithful.

So we as a church were challenged last night to write down 30 ways that God has been faithful to us as we looked over our lives. I embrace this challenge in tears this morning, because I know He is faithful and I have to keep pressing on. Because this may take a while, I thought today I'd start with five.

1. He is faithful to forgive me, no matter how many times I mess up. (Psalm 103:12) He gave me that promise after I got pregnant with Taylor. Every time I look at her I see a beautiful picture of God's mercy. I don't deserve such an amazing girl and she blows my mind away.

2. He is faithful to bring me hope in every situations. (Jeremiah 29:11) He gave me this promise while pregnant with Hope Ann. She has lived up to her name and brought more hope to my life than I could have ever dreamed. The glass is always half-full with her and she makes this world a beautiful place with the hope she brings everyone.

3. He's faithful to forgive but to also make me feel grace, not condemnation. (Romans 8:1) He gave me this promise while pregnant with Kennedy Grace. She was to be God's grace to me. (She is...even through all of her quirks like sticking beads up her nose.) I think we have to remember that God wants us to laugh in life, to experience joy and find a way to find the good in everything...and that's why He's brought Kennedy into my life.

4. He is faithful to tell me I am beautiful. (psalm 45:11) While teaching a bible study three times now called "Do you think I'm beautiful?", I have poured those words into almost 150 women over the past few years. I thought it was for them...but every time I taught those words, God reminded me that yes...when no one else does...He thinks I'm beautiful, just the way I am.

5. He is faithful to set me free. (Isaiah 42:7) This past year of my life, this is what God has been giving me every day. Freedom. To worship. To believe. To live a life that's full in Him. I feel so free to praise Him how I want. To dance before His throne. To laugh in His presence. To believe that He wants me to be free.

God's been faithful. And He will continue to be faithful.

I don't know if you like me sometimes get a little weary in this dry land, but take heart today and know that you are not alone. Greater things are yet to come, this much I believe. But with greater things come greater challenges.

But we must press on because God is for us, not against us. He wants us to finish strong. We are not defeated because the victory has already been paid for with a high price. Never take that for granted.

Know it. Believe it. Live it.

No post today because....

2010-06-21T08:33:00.002-04:00

I've been busy sharing my heart over here. (click to go)

Have an unlikely prom queen moment too? I'd love to hear it.

Day 3 & 4 Recap: It's finished!

2010-06-18T08:14:00.010-04:00

I can't believe it!

Stephanie's room is finished. We finished early!

So here's how the rest of the room went down....btw, I apologize for the quality of pictures. I unfortunately forgot my real camera, so my phone's camera is all we had.

Day 3 was NOT successful. I went to IKEA (aka: The 8th wonder of the world) and found NOTHING. I was so bummed. It just was not my day.

Day 4 proved to be much more successful.

I can't wait to break this budget down for you, you are going to be amazed.

This lamp began all my inspiration for the accessories for the room:

I know...I Love it to. And SO did Stephanie, that's what was important. It was a splurge for our budget...$40, but we made up for it elsewhere.

Like here:

That's Cindy's husband, Mike. He was so great to do all our spray painting for us! Thanks Mike!

Ok...so are you ready? Let's start with before:

AND after!:

So...what do you think? There are still a few touches that need to happen, like baskets put back into the cubs and a small chair for that table, but we'll talk about that in a second.

Ready to break this budget down now...because that's what it's all about...right? [smile]

Let's start with the most expensive area in the room:

Chairs (the BIGGEST splurge in the room): $300 ish (From Tuesday Morning)
Table: FREE (we shopped Steph's foyer, which she planned on getting rid of this anyway)
Curtains: $50 (A little more than I had hoped for but they are lined-silk panels so it was a deal!) (Also from Tuesday Morning)
Rod: $19
Lamp: $40

Pillows: $5/each $10
Accessories: FREE

Total: $419 (Wow...like the whole budget. But wait!)

Area 2 (this is the kids coloring table, we still need to find a small chair for right here but that can come later)

Table: $10! (Consignment store) Yes, $10, that was a steal too! It's super cute too, I wish I had a closer picture of it, it's got a farm-style finish on it.
Lamp: $10 (Family Dollar...yes, they have GREAT stuff there)
Crayon holder: $1.00 (Salvation Army- 1/2 price day!)
Super Cute airplane wood picture: $1.50 (Salvation Army 1/2 price day)
Frames: FREE, Steph already had
Inspirational quotes in the frames: FREE

Area total: $22.50

Area 3: (so sorry for the quality of this picture!)

Cube: FREE, already had
Spray paint: $20
Pictures: $10 a piece! (Family dollar)
Cute Plaque above pic #2: $1 (on clearance, family dollar)

Lamp in corner: FREE, had in another room

Area total:
$31

And the only other thing we bought for the room was the rug: $37

And the grand total for the entire room was: $472! (ish...I didn't include tax)

Ok, so who's next? [smile]

Day 2-Recap...I'm exhausted!

2010-06-16T07:00:00.000-04:00

Day 2 is finished. Painting, Painting and more Painting. That is what was on the agenda for day 2.

I feel a little like singing the hallelujah chorus right now. [If you are lost as to what's going on this week on this blog please catch up with the posts below]

Stephanie's walls.....they were brutal. Oh yes. 2 coats of primer AND 2 coats of paint AND 2 coats on all the trim.

But it was all worth it when at the end of the day...the room looked like this:

I told you that rug looks amazing in there! I just about wanted to pull up a sleeping bag and campout in there especially after a eight hour day of painting. Whew....can I get a "have mercy"...I need one. [smile]

So today, day 3.

Today starts with a little come-to-Jesus meeting with my friend Kelly who is whipping my hiney into shape. But that's for another post.

This afternoon, I will go and purchase the chairs -which Cindy's husband will pick up Thursday night. Tonight we will have a spray paint party at Stephanie's and hopefully get all the furniture done.

And also today, I will go to the 8th wonder of the world.......IKEA. There I will stick to my mission and find the...PERFECT CURTAINS.

So reader's here's where you get to have a little fun and a little say in what happens in the room next. Because our budget is a little tight for curtains, I don't think we are going to be able to have a fun-funky custom made look.

I hope to pull in some fun fabric for the chair pillows. And I will search high and low for a great fit in our budget that is fun. But for today...a question for you:

These are some of the options for the room that are within our budget. Let me know which one you'd pick:

Option 1:

Option 2:

Option 3 (either color):

Looking forward to hearing your suggestions! See you tomorrow for another update.

Day 1-Recap

2010-06-15T00:01:00.001-04:00

Well friends, I'm officially over my head. [smile] But...I'm catching up and making some progress. In fact yesterday, lot's of progress was made. If you are lost as to what's going on this week on my blog, check out the post below this one.

Stephanie asked me to come up with a plan for the room. So I quickly discovered Sample Board Online which BTW, I fell in love with that site too. [I know...it doesn't take much to lure me in, I seem to fall in love easily] Click here to see the sample I came up with for the staples of the room.

Keep in mind that while $500 is a great budget, when you are starting from almost scratch...it's a little tricky. Think about it...furniture, rug, window treatments, paint and accessories. That budget can get zapped in NO time.

But remember...I am up for the challenge. [smile]

I had Stephanie look at the design board and she liked it...except um...what was I thinking with cream chairs with...f-i-v-e kids running around?

So it's a good thing I didn't marry those chairs. Because they needed to go.

I immediately went back to the drawing board in my mind.

This caused a bit of a budget issue on my part because these chairs that I found were super cheap because...they were cream.

Then, I started thinking about the rug I picked for the sample board and thought...no...it's to light too. Argh!

Yesterday, with my three girly's in tow, we set out on a mission:

1. To find a rug to set the design colors around
2. To find chairs

This was my inspiration: A pillow on Stephanie's couch in her family room

I knew she liked the brown's, blue's and green's.

Originally, I budgeted $150 for two chairs. Which for the cream ones? Possible. Finding two chairs for that price in a leather brown or chocolate brown or any other fabulous color? Not so possible.

If we had more time I could stalk sites like Craigslist and go to yard sales to see what I could find but...we have about a week to get this done.

I knew we might have to re-think our design plan. And Stephanie is like the EASIEST person ever to work with. But, I want Stephanie to love her new space, not just like it or think it's ok.

So I made a plan for us to re-group last night but continued to hunt for the rug.

Here's what I found...and I felt like I was stealing it. It was on clearance for $37!

Score.

Last night I went to take the rug to Stephanie's and Cindy, her and I re-grouped our plan. Since the budget for the chairs was not going to work, we decided to take out the bookcase/desk option. While that piece was a great buy for $150, that money could be used towards the chairs.

Which I found:

For $150 a piece.

Yes...a HUGE chunk of our budget: $300+. But...while we were talking Stephanie remembered a giftcard to Lowes she had so she got the paint with that, she also found a few frames that are going to work for artwork and I have big plans for a few other things. [smile] So we all agreed that the chairs were important. When you are working with a budget you have to decide what's most important.

Can we do it? Can we make the rest of this room look amazing for $150ish?

Yikes. Stay tuned. Prayers welcome.

[btw...the rug looks amazing in the space, paint goes on the walls today...can't wait to show you]

Questions Answered and a New Thing.

2010-06-14T07:29:00.006-04:00

Happy Monday bloggy friends. I hope you had a good weekend. Summer has arrived but it apparently has brought no signs of life slowing down. [smile] So busy we stay.

I wanted to take a minute this morning and answer some of your questions from the painting of the stairs project and share some other things with you.

First, I just want to say this. While I am not a trained professional or profess to be an expert at decorating -I enjoy making things look pretty. For next to nothing.

But I think sometimes we get caught up with the "right" or "wrong" way to do things...not just decorating. If it works for you...then it works. If it makes you crazy...it's not working. But don't be afraid to think outside of a picture in a magazine. Beauty can be found in all things...even your house.

I really believe that having a beautiful house makes you feel good. My house is a work in progress. I have a list of projects three pages long that I want to do. But because of time and money I can only accomplish one thing at a time. Sometimes it makes me feel crazy because I want it all done...now! But then I have to step back and just break things down one at a time.

Because I am challenged to doing things very inexpensively, it takes a lot longer to "finish" a room. If I find a project/piece of furniture or whatever that is a frugal find...then that's what I do. Whether or not it's apart of the room I want to be "finished" or not. This could drive some people nuts.

But...for me, it works.

Ok, so questions from you about the stairs.

1. What color are the stairs?

Answer: I know in the picture it looks black but they are actually a dark chocolate brown. We have a lot of dark wood pieces in our home so I really wanted to paint the stairs black but knew that overall that would not fit with the rest of our house, especially the downstairs.

2. What type of paint did you use?

Answer: I used this:

Word of caution, I would highly recommend wearing gloves while painting with this. But it goes on very nicely and has held up very well over the past couple of weeks. I did not prime but it did take a good two coats. You could prime if you wanted to. The banister I didn't sand too much and I also used the same paint to paint it. Not sure if you are supposed to but...it worked. :)

3. How much sanding did you do?

Answer: A lot! But not so much on the banister. I lightly sanded it and then just put two coats on. The white spindals took about three coats.

4. Did you have to use a lot of wood putty?

Answer: Not really. We were very blessed to find what we did under our carpet. So there were a few spots that needed it but it wasn't really bad. If you do have rough wood under there, don't be afraid. It just make take a little more "love" to get it smooth and looking right.

I think that answered most of the questions. If I missed one please let me know and I will get that answered right away. :)

So, I share that up next was my laundry room makeover but it's going to have to wait another week. But I'm SO excited to share with you why.

Meet Stephanie and Cindy:

These two sisters have been through a lot together. Their love for each other is one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. Many of you know Cindy from her blog. Cindy has some exciting things coming up that hopefully I will be able to share with you soon. But while she is waiting for her house to sell in Greenville, NC their family has been staying with Stephanie.

Five kids in one house. I do believe they get a "have mercy". [ha!]

So anyway, Cindy asked me if I would be willing to help Stephanie with some projects around her house. Hello, she totally spoke my love language when she asked this. Not only do I love these girls but I LOVE decorating projects.

For the past few days we have been coming up with a plan for this room:

There are a few things I LOVE about this area.

1. It gets lot's of light.
2. It has GREAT molding.
3. We are removing everything from the room. Nothing has to stay...except the TV/TV stand.

Stephanie's style is what I would consider contemporary/modern with a little bit of a traditional feel. Did I just make that style category up? Yep.

She was open to pretty much anything. So I've been playing around with a few ideas and have come up with a plan.

The purpose of this room is a playroom/tv room. Her kids are getting a little older so we are going to be able to make it more of a sophisticated space. She loves the idea of having a spot for them to do homework/draw and yet still have the option for her husband to hang out and watch TV in.

A few "minor" things though...we have a little over a week to get this done, hopefully I will be able to tell you why soon. We have a budget of $500 which will include new furniture, paint, fabrics and accessories. And we are doing all the work ourselves.

Impossible?

Whatever! I'm totally up for the challenge.

So I thought it would be fun this week for you to journey with us through this process. I will blog each day and show pictures of the progress that we make. Sound like fun? Yes, I think so too. See you back tomorrow with a design plan and updates with pictures. :)

$18 light

2010-06-09T20:22:00.007-04:00

I am so excited to share with you another project. I know...lot's of projects lately. I feel like I'm "nesting" but I am so not pregnant so take a deep breath. Why is this then? I don't know...Maybe it's a phase...

A few weeks ago I was at a yard sale and saw this chandelier for an awesome deal of $2. I had BIG plans for it. [smile]

Not that there was a thing wrong with the chandelier that was in the kitchen but it simply did not work with our decor.

So after I found the chandelier I immediately painted it and got it hung. I used Rostoleum's Hammered brown color. It took about three coats. Not to bad.

But then...it was time to find the shades. I knew I might have to compromise on the shade because um...hello, have you seen the price of shades lately? ROBBERY I tell you. Crazyness. I looked on ebay, walmart, target...everywhere! And I could not find a decent deal for shades.

So the girls and I were in Hobby Lobby the other day and I may or may not have shrieked [they are so used to it by now] when I saw these...for $3.99 AND 50% off! That's what I'm talking about.

They were a little plain so I then went over to the trim section and found some fancy-shmacy trim stuff. And then put it back when I saw that it too was highway robbery. Then...I found this trim on clearance for 6.99 a yard. Then, I was happy with it. [that was way to many "then's"]

I decided to hot-glue around the top edges to still give the effect but to not use up so much trim. It was just about a yard of trim for five shades.

And there you have it! A new light, with lot's of love [smile] and a little patience for $18.

Next up...laundry room makeover. Have mercy that place needs some cheering up as much time as I spend in there. [smile]

I'm in love.

2010-06-04T15:56:00.009-04:00

Ok so listen, I'm not finished 100% with this project but I just HAD to show you. Why? Because I.Am.In. L-O-V-E.

A few months ago I saw Rhoda from Southern Hospitality attempt this massive project. When I saw her before and after pictures I just KNEW we had to try this.

And I am so glad we did.

It took almost a month, had to take a break for El Salvador. :) And I could really only work on it at night when the girls were asleep. Because...um....girls and paint on the stairs? Not a good combo. So it was a long project for us.

We still have to take the banister down on the wall and paint it but that will be done soon. I just couldn't wait to show you!

But the cost? Super cheap.

Paint = $30
sand paper = $5
Brush's = $10 (note: we opted to buy cheaper brushes to throw away b/c I don't have the patience nor time to deal with cleaning brushes)

So the total roughly was: $45!

Before:

First we had to take all the carpet off. That was a task.

I was so happy to see the condition of the stairs underneath. Just a few spots needed some wood fill but they were ready to be sanded in no time.

There's my man. Sanding away. Please note....I DID participate in this...there are just no pictures to prove such things. But this was MY project. [sorta]

And so sorry but I took NO pictures of the painting process. It wasn't too brutal. But all we really want to see is the finished project right? [smile]

So here it is. Ta Da:

So what do you think? I'm thinking of painting numbers on each of the stairs, I saw that done somewhere and thought it was super cute. Like I said, we still have to paint the banister but so far...for $45, I think it looks amazing!

Happy Weekend!

It's not over.

2010-06-02T08:43:00.004-04:00

Last night my oldest daughter Taylor had her very first volleyball practice. As I sat and watched her move forward with something that she had been really excited to give a try, I quickly saw the face of discouragement come over her.

Ball after ball would come her way and she did her best to get to it as quickly as possible. But her inexperience of the sport was very noticeable and she realized it. I kept trying to cheer her on and supporting her the best I could, after all that's what mommas do.[smile]

At the very end of the practice a ball flew right in her face. I saw her fight back the tears as her red flushed face looked down. She looked like she was finished.

My heart ached for her.

While I was sitting there I thought back to the summer between 7th and 8th grade. We were living in Iwakuni, Japan on a little military base. The community was small and to be honest there wasn't a whole lot to do. I had a some friends that were a few years older than me and they were on the volleyball team at our school. So they told me about the summer practice schedule to get ready for try-outs in the fall.

I thought it sounded fun, so I was willing to give it a try.

Every night there was a practice, I showed up. My arms were so bruised from trying to bump that ball just right. My legs ached from all the squats we did and my body was tired. But I was not giving up.

I would sit in my room for hours and just toss that ball up through my fingertips dreaming what it would be like to be on the volleyball team.

Confidence became me as I continued to practice with my friends through that whole summer. But to be honest, I still knew I wasn't very good...but I hoped I had a chance.

Fall came. Try-outs came. Nervous and excited I made my way into that smelly old gym. There were more people than I expected to be there -girls who had not been at the summer practices, so I felt confident that I was ahead of the game.

But I was wrong.

The girls there just seemed to be natural at it...it was one of those things that just came for them.

After a week of try-out's a list was posted outside the gym doors. My stomach sank as I made my way towards that list. Quickly I glanced at the alphabetized list to see if my name was on there.

It wasn't.

I was devastated and remember crying the entire walk home. My friends tried to comfort me but they had all made the team. It was easier for them to be sympathetic because they weren't the ones aching.

I gave up my dream of being on the volleyball team. Because, failure...it was too painful.

Looking at Taylor's face last night I could tell she wanted to give up. But that momma fire in me wanted to push her through this and encourage her that it's not over, it's just begun. This was after all...the first practice.

Something inside of me tells me that God aches to see us giving up so quickly too. We knock on one door, it closes. We try another one and it doesn't open at all. So we think God is finished, He's done and that He would like us to put that purpose filled dream away.

We are wrong. Very wrong. The truth is time is nothing to our God. What may take us years to accomplish is nothing in the realm of His time. One season? That's nothing. Five rejection letters? That's nothing. No after no after no? It's...nothing.

Who cares what other people think?

Who cares if people see us fail a million and one times?

Who cares? Because, the list was posted and guess what? Your name is on it. We've already made the team. And since our God is a winning type of guy...He doesn't create losers. So you're not out, it's not over, the fat lady isn't singing and you make the cut...no matter what.

Push through those rejections, push through those failures and push through because...

It's only just begun.

It is...scandalous.

2010-05-27T06:44:00.003-04:00

I sat and listened to her words. Tears poured out of her face as she said, "I just want to pay Him [God] back for all He's done for me."

I got her, I really did. I fully understood what she was saying. As a girl who has walked many rough roads of this life, God has been an amazing hero more than once for me.

But even though I understood what she was saying, I didn't agree.

The concept of grace is one that many people get lost in, myself too at times. Grace actually ends up being a game that you and I play in the subconscious of our mind. I believe there are two players of this game are:

The legalistic. I must repay God back for everything He has done for me.

or

The card player. I'm good, I'm covered because I have the..."grace card".

Can I confess something to you? I have played both sides of the table.

I felt so indebted to God for the forgiveness, mercy and hope that He has brought to my life I have felt as though I would stop at nothing to give back to Him all that's He's given to me.

But also, I have been guilty of doing something that I know isn't right and hoping and praying that grace will be enough to see me through.

In the book of Galatians, Paul writes this:

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then and do no let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery." [5:1]

That whole "yoke of slavery" thing is huge in my life. It's the number one thing that brings me back to the need for repentance in my life. Because friends, as much as I would love to repay my God back for everything that He has done for me...that is a serious bondage that the enemy would love me to soak in.

I can do nothing to repay God back for something that was giving so freely, so supernaturally and beyond my comprehension.

Grace is not a response to Faith -Faith is a response to Grace.

I don't know where you are in your journey with Christ. Whether you are teetering on the edge of a relationship with Christ, in a deep place with Him or somewhere in between. But you and I have to know that we can do nothing to deserve grace in our lives. It's not ours to give and take away.

Walking and receiving this truth today,
Nicki

Lose the binkie faith.

2010-05-24T06:59:00.003-04:00

Of all of my girls, I only had one that was a true binkie user. It was my Hope. She got the hang of that thing right away and by the age of three was a true binkie addict.

Much so that an intervention was necessary before the Kennyboo arrived into this world.

After a lot of research and attempted reasoning sessions with her about the usage of the binkie, I decided we were going to have to get a little sneaky on her. Because there was no way she was giving that thing up!

One morning after she came downstairs for breakfast, I went into her bed and found the smelly, crudded and much worn-out pacifier. I cut the end of the tip off so it would deflate and had done the same to each other paci around the house. I placed her paci back in the bed and awaited her discovery.

Sure enough, a few minutes later she had sneaked upstairs to get it. Very confused she came down and said, "Mommy, I dink my paci is doken. Fix it!" [translation: I think my paci is broken]

I inspected said paci and agreed with her that something was wrong. So I handed her all the other paci's in the house. And much to her dismay they too...were all "doken".

But what she did next really surprised me.

She simply walked over to the trash can and placed them all in there. Hope had a big smile on her face and said, "I don't need anymore!"

Now...I wish I could tell you that all was peaches and cream from that point on but it wasn't. There were many melt-downs about the broken paci's that night. She even went to the trash can and panicked as she began to look for her much loved binkies. Eventually, she calmed herself down and was completely fine.

I was thinking about this situation -as related to our faith as I read this verse in my bible:

"When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things." -1 Corinthians 13:11

Some day's I wake up and I feel like God looks at me and says, "Seriously? Are we really going back to the trash-can and pulling out the binkie today? We already walked through this...year's ago."

But there is often something within me that longs for the comfort of my baby faith. Things seemed a little less complicated, not so stressful and I was easily soothed in the days of baby faith.

And the Father so gently reminded me that baby faith days are over. It's time for some moving of the mountain faith to rise up...and not just some of the time.

I'm reminded of the verse that says, "To whom much is given, much is required." [Luke 12:48] And I don't necessarily believe that just has to do with finances. I think faith is a hugely bundled in that deal.

Because God has walked each of us through many era's of life that have grown us, stretched us and allowed us to experience Him in ways we never knew were possible.

Binkie faith is faith that we can control and it's limited. And true, there is a season of life for that binkie faith. But when God empowers us with real, grown-up, authentic faith...it's not just an opportunity to use it...it's an obligation.

So I'm loosing the binkie faith, I'm staying away from the trash-can and I'm moving mountains in my life with the faith He's allowed me to experience.

$5 centerpiece!

2010-05-21T16:40:00.005-04:00

I'm so excited about my FIVE DOLLAR new centerpiece I just had to show you. Here is the blog I found the idea on: Click here.

So sorry, I didn't take any pictures while making it. But I didn't even have newspaper so I just used old grocery bags and kept bundling them up until I got them in the perfect size ball that I wanted to use.

I then put some paper around the ball to allow the glue to stick...I didn't think it would go to well on plastic. I didn't have any spray glue so I just used hot glue and it worked just as good.

It took some time and only 1 bag of moss from the $1 store to cover the entire ball.

I put a small wreath under it to balance it, also from the dollar store. I did spray paint the wreath brown with some paint I had around the house.

Then I took the flowers that I got, two stems ($2) and glued them with the leaves around the wreath so it would hold. You could just stick them there if you don't have little hands that like to get into stuff in your house. [smile]

And here it is:

I'm in L-O-V-E. I already had the stand so that's not included in the $5 but surely you have something that you could use around your house. You could do a bowl, a candle stick (for a small ball) or even just a plain plate. The possibility's are endless!

So that's:

$1 for moss

$1 for wreath

$3 for flowers

Total: $5!

Let me know if you try it, I'd love to see it!

Useful words.

2010-05-20T06:44:00.003-04:00

A few weeks ago, I got an e-mail from a friend. I love this friend and she's an amazing woman of God. She was at the point where she was trying to push herself a little further in her ministry and asked me for some honest insight on a few areas of her work.

After prayerful consideration, I decided to be honest...brutally honest. But I felt like I was doing her no good to fluff things up and not speak the truth into her life.

This friend is the same age as me (29) and...something within my generation doesn't take constructive criticism very well. I'm not sure why. Surely I am not the first one to discover this and someone has an article on this somewhere. So, if you know why, please tell me! But if I am the first to discover this you can send my royalties to....[kidding...]

Anyways, my response didn't go over well. And y'all...I will be honest, I used my words carefully, I made sure I gave her some positive feedback. But it did.not.go.well.

I think that instead of feedback, she was looking for encouragement. Which everyone needs but maybe use the word encouragement...rather than feedback?

[sighs]

So yesterday, it was my turn. In my inbox popped an e-mail filled with truthful words about somewhere I had asked for feedback.

As I read through the e-mail, I stopped. And I prayed that God would allow my heart to receive the feedback in a way that would change my heart -in a good way. Because y'all...I do realize I am not the greatest thing since sliced bread. [smile] But...sometimes it's a big pill to swallow to admit that you need improvement...and a lot of it.

And as I read those words, they became like gold to me. They were no longer criticism filled words, as most eyes would tend to see, but words to help me improve my purpose -in Him.

It truly helped me understand this verse, "An honest answer is like a warm hug." -Proverbs 24:26 (The Message)

Friends, we should really take other's honesty to heart. Our prides don't need anymore boosting. I think as a society we are good on that. And I don't mean for us to be a doormat and just let everyone walk around and stomp us out.

But we should always take into consideration what other's may have to offer us through useful words. And maybe we should be willing to step on some toes every now and then to offer the same truth to people in our lives.

After all, if you don't say it...who will?

I want to speak the truth -in love of course. I want to be like a warm hug to those around me. And I want the other's to do the same for me.

Why?

Because it's good to have our eyes opened to see the truth. But our hearts must be willing to receive it. If not...then it will only cause roots of bitterness and strife to form.

The only atta girl response I really need is from my Lord Jesus Christ on the day I enter into His gates. I long to hear, "Well done...my good and faithful servant.", just like many of you. I don't want to hear, "Well, I wish you would've listened."

So I'm curious. Have you ever received a word of truth from someone that was hard? What did you do with it and how did it change you good or bad?

Just don't do it.

2010-05-19T07:17:00.004-04:00

My Kennedy (4) is at the age where she is pushing the boundaries of her life. But also, my Taylor (9) is also testing the independent waters as well. Both girls right now are exhausting my mind with thoughts of their trying behaviors. Thankfully Hope (7) seems to balance them out right now. [smile]

Often I will catch them just before they are about to slip up. Like the other day when Kennedy had a huge rock in her hand and was ready to fling it up on here sister's head in a moment of fury...I said, "Don't do it Kennedy."

Or with Taylor and her forgetfulness of her lunch and everything else in her life, I will often point to it on the counter and say, "Don't do it Taylor."

And even last night with Kennedy when she wasn't pleased with my selections for dinner and attempted to throw her food away in an effort to get a cookie. I said it then too, "Kennedy, don't do it."

I find myself saying that more than anything right now..."Don't do it!"

Maybe I say it because I don't want to have to follow through with the known consequences for their actions, maybe it's because I really want them to make the right choice or maybe it's because it's just an instant reaction as a mom when I see one of my children about to fail.

But having to repeat those words of "Don't do it" over and over often leaves me frustrated. I wonder if they are ever going to get it!

I was reminded of these words in a passage of scripture this morning.

Genesis chapter 4. The battle of the brothers: Cain and Abel.

Cain and Abel were the first children of Adam and Eve. Some bible scholars think that they were twins and some think they were just brother's. Either way, I tend to believe that Eve often found herself saying those very words to her boys, "Don't do it."

Because there was great rivalry between the two of them.

In verse 4:7 we see that God himself gave Cain a "don't do it" warning. He said, "If you do what is right will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you but you must master it."

And then...boom. In the next verse we see that sin takes it's toll on Cain and he ends up killing his brother.

Right after the warning! From God!

Cain didn't get it.

But here's the thing. I don't think you and I are all that different from Cain. Sure all of us (hopefully) have never killed our brother or done something as drastic as that. But do not underestimate the value of the sins you choose to do in your life.

It's all the same to God.

We tend to put different levels on our sins but that is most definitely not biblical. And all of our sins lead to the need for a merciful God to step down and wash our sins away. A beautiful promise and truth from His word.

But today I wonder what types of "Don't do it" warnings are we hearing from God.

Is there a conversation that involves tearing someone down? Don't do it.

Is there a little twist to the truth that we need to tell? Don't do it.

Or this one is close to my heart right now[smile]...Is there a cookie begging to be eaten? Don't do it.

How do we find favor in God? By doing what's right. Even when it goes against everything within us. We have to fight it. Because just like I want to help my girl's learn to make the right choices...it's the very same for our heavenly Father.

He's on our side. 100%. He wants us to win and live lives that shout His goodness.

So today, when sin is crouching at your door and my door, may we hear that voice so clearly that says, "Don't do it."

Create.

2010-05-17T07:37:00.002-04:00

This morning I've been back in the book of Genesis, one of my favorite books of the bible. Every time I fumble through the pages, I am in awe of all that God did at the very beginning of this thing called, life.

The word that is sticking with me this morning is, Create.

Definition?

verb
1. to cause to come into being, as something unique that would not naturally evolve or that is not made by ordinary processes.

Creation is what God did that was impossible for man.

My Hope (7) is the artist of the family. She is always creating something! Whether it's taking boxes and taping them together, sharpie markers on the wall, gluing paper plates together, or even just taking string and stringing it across the playroom....it usually ends up as a mess -in my eyes. But to her...it's the most beautiful thing ever.

Bless her.

It's really hard for me to not zap her creative genes. And I have gotten better over time...I let a lot of things go. Like the time she decided to glue all of our pencils together. TOTALLY...Let.it.go.

But the word create, created or creation is found all over the bible. In different texts, meanings and forms. And the Hebrew word for create is bara. Which means, "to fatten or be filled".

So instead of, "God created the heavens the earth" it would be "God filled the heavens and the earth." Which makes sense if you think it through.

Stick with me for a second as we talk this out. Because I get just as lost as anyone when it comes to digesting Hebrew. {smile}

The word bara is never used in reference to man. As in, the things man creates. Like my Hopie's creations. Or how man can create an enviornment that is warm or cool. That perspective of create is very different than this term bara. Those things are things we can do on our own strength. Sure, God is the one who gives us the creative genes within us but when we think about how HE creates...it's very different.

It's very awesome.

It's not just making something new...but transforming something into a new condition.

Hopie's creations around our home could be defined as a Potter...she is shaping things into something beautiful even if the rest of the world doesn't think it is. Which is exactly what God does with each of us after He fills us. To the rest of the world we may look foolish, lost and very out of place but in the creators eyes...it's simply beautiful.

But in order to start shaping us, we need God to be our bara. He needs to make us a new condition. We have to be filled with Him before we can be shaped by the Potter's hand.

This is something to think about as we ask God to do things like, "Create in us a new heart" [Psalm 51:10]. Because we are not asking God to simply shape us through prayers like that. We are asking Him to fully take us from the inside out and re-condition our hearts. Sometimes this is the most necessary thing that God has to do within us -to create.

The incredible thing about our God is that we can do this today. We can start over, fresh and new. I know my heart often needs a stop at the re-condition shop when things like jealousy, anger or pride start showing up. And I am so thankful that my God is a God who is continually making all things new -not just shaping.

Hitting the ground running this morning as a new creation [again] in Him.

Much love.

La di da...life goes on. :)

2010-05-15T18:49:00.000-04:00

Ok, the tears have been wiped....and this is about to be one random post. But I am a very random girl...and this is how life goes on. {smile}

Here are some fun pictures before the trip:

The very ungoldy hour of 5am on the bus to the airport. Bloggy friends in case you do not know them...meet Lisa, author and coordinator of She Seeks and Samantha from the P31 office.

I had FULL intentions of documenting this entire trip.

But apparently I forgot to charge the battery on my camera before we left. Boo for me. Or MAYBE the fact that Lisa and I took this picture no less than 20 times had something to do with it dying. You need to know that us She Seeks girls were VERY thankful for the delete option on the digital camera. And we may or may not have looked at EVERY.SINGLE.PICTURE throughout the trip and taken votes as to whether or not the picture could be deleted.

I didn't win very often. [wink]

Here are a few of our new friends:

And us...I don't know what we were doing. :)

Me and Lisa with one of the amazing pastors from El Salvador. This is their farm where they are raising animals to help fund their church. It's pretty awesome!

Saying good-bye to the kids at one of the projects we visited.

This was a huge moment for me. This girl who prayed over me was precious. And what you can't see in this picture are the tears that were POURING from my eyes. God really began to break my heart for the Compassion kids at this moment.

And these guys are SO COOL! Bloggers meet Two Cent Offering. They are AWESOME. I can't wait to see where God takes this band but He's got great things planned for them and it was such an amazing thing to hang out with them for a few days. You can find them on facebook and listen to their music! SOOOO COOL!

Ok and this....oh.my.word. It's me. A gazillion feet up in the air. ON A ZIP LINE. Have mercy!! It was one of the greatest thrills I've EVER experienced! If you ever get the chance to do it....do it!

Ok, so that's enough random thoughts from El Salvador and the last post on that trip. I know...it's enough. :)

I'm a mess...and so is this post.

2010-05-12T14:35:00.003-04:00

I'm writing this post with tears streaming down my face.

As a girl who is admittedly very animated, I rarely cry...like this. But something inside me is screaming to write...and so I push through the pain in my heart and I will try to pour out my thoughts into words.

Something is very different inside of me.

Ten years ago,I was a very different girl. A girl with a mission in life. To serve Jesus no matter what the cost. I asked Him to take me to the ends of this earth to speak of His love to every tribe, every tongue, every nation. There was something deeply rooted in my to love...everyone.

And then...I got pregnant with my precious Taylor. And my life evolved quickly into paths I never dreamed I would take. A bride and a mom at the age of 19. Scared out of her mind asking the question "Who will I become?" . And now I am just a few months away from my 30th birthday and I find myself today asking God, "Who am I?" I don't know who I've become.

Something happened to me when I went to El Salvador. It was a good thing but a painful thing at the same time. For a brief week, I remembered my passion for the lost of this world. I remembered the heartache that I felt for those who deserved so much more than they had and I wanted to help them. I remembered when God called me at the age of 17 to go literally to the other side of the this planet and serve Him. I felt like I remembered why God put me on this earth.

And then, life happened. I'm a wife, I'm a mom, I serve on a ministry and I write blogs. That's me. Just an ordinary woman.

But ordinary seems to unacceptable. And forgive me if that offends you but it's just how I feel.

I find myself today in a pit of sadness because I just can't seem to think about going and working out at the gym or about the gazzilion loads of laundry I need to do or even about what to make for dinner. I couldn't relate to the mom's at the park today with their plans about going to Disney...and I didn't even care. Because all I could think about while they were talking were the Compassion kids and how many they could sponsor for the price of their trip. I KNOW...it's not good thinking.

I can't bring myself to finish my painting of the stairs project or to even think about decorating when I know that there are mom's on the other side of this world who are sweeping dirt floors right now and don't even have a second story to their house.

Maybe it's like a spiritual mid-life crisis. I don't know.

And I don't know what to do with all these thoughts that lay in the depth of my soul. I don't know how to erase the images that struck my heart in ways I never dreamed of. I deeply miss all the amazing relationships I made with people who do life, and do it well in the worst of circumstances. And I just don't know what to do about it.

Some think writers shouldn't write about thoughts like this but this blog has always been me. The good, the bad, the funny and now...the ugly me.

And then I cry more tears to think about my sweet girls. I am their momma and that is truly the greatest blessing and ministry I will ever have in my life. And how blessed I am to have them...I do know. But I want more for them too. And not more material things...I want richer lives for them.

I don't know what to do with all these emotions. And I'm afraid they will fade into my soul as I slip back into the everyday life as they did over the past ten years. I want my soul to stay raw and stay in this place that I don't accept the ordinary for my life.

I want to be like this amazing woman, Ruth.

She never accepted the ordinary for her life. And in fact, she was the main reason Compassion is in El Salvador, because she wanted more for her people.

Mom's, wives, grandmother's and sweet women (and maybe a man or two) who read this blog...I feel this way for you. I want us to live such rich lives that through the power of one we too can change our whole nation. Jesus was a very mission minded man. And I just want to be like Him...that's all. I want to serve not be served and I want to give not receive. I want to love, bring hope and walk forward into the purpose for life that has to be out of the ordinary.

That's me. All of me today. The good, the bad, the ugly...but the truth. And I don't know what to do with the Jesus girl so here she is just raw and open.

One person at a time.

2010-05-10T00:00:00.002-04:00

*If you are visiting from the She Seeks site today, welcome!

Four nights ago today I sat at a table with some of the most amazing people I have ever met. And a question was posed to each of us as to how we would put our thoughts from five days into thirty seconds.

I thought it was impossible -yet necessary.

And so I fumbled through the gazzilion thoughts, experiences, emotions and circumstances over those five short days I came up with this thought:

I have seen the richest lives amongst the poorest of poor because someone decided to change lives one at a time.

I could write entire blogs on the tragic stories I heard, the frightful images that flow through my mind of children living in unthinkable living conditions or mother's who truly don't know where their next meal for their children will come from.

And perhaps I will at some point, but it's all a little too raw on my soul today.

When I left for El Salvador one week ago today, I really thought Compassion was just a great ministry to help feed children physically, spiritually and emotionally. But what I didn't understand is that Compassion isn't just helping children.

They are ending poverty one child at a time. And it's working.

The thing is, Compassion cannot do this alone. They need you and I to step forward and jump on to this movement of God.

For $38 a month, you can change a life, make a difference and bring hope. You can help bring the elimination of images like this:

And bring HOPE through images like this:

Think carefully about what $38 means to you and I. A night out? Several trips to get coffee? A new pair of shoes? A new pair of jeans?

But to Compassion...$38 means lives changed....forever.

Every penny that comes in through Compassion is used to the absolute fullest. There are no secrets, no wishy washy situations, no questions that won't get answered. They are 100% legit.

I beg you to think about becoming a sponsor for one child. They will think you are the greatest person in the world. They will cheerish you, pray for you and hold you closer to their hearts than anyone in their lives. You will make a difference from the inside out and because of you, they will experience love in ways they never knew possible.

You will help mother's dreams for their children to come true. Father's to feel a sense of relief and for children to know with all their hearts there is hope for their lives.

So today, in the comments I want to help answer your questions about Compassion. I would love to help you sort through the information on how to become a sponsor, what a sponsor does and how you can begin to make a difference. Anything you want to ask, it's open! And if you sponsor a child, please share your story...tell me and others about your child, the letters you recieve and how it's made you feel doing this.

And if your ready, here is a link to help you get started in helping end poverty one child at a time. CLICK HERE.

There will be MUCH more to come about this trip! So much to share. :)

Ok. This is it.

2010-04-30T07:20:00.003-04:00

Well friends, this is it. My last post for all five of the readers of this blog to read for a while. :) Monday morning at a very ungodly hour I will be getting on the plane and leaving for El Salvador with Compassion International.

I had planned on taking my computer to blog through the trip but it looks like we are not going to have internet access very much. Nor cell phone access which means: No facebook, No twitter, No texting, No talking to the people I love.

Lord have mercy....what am I going to do?

To be honest, this morning I have been asking God, "Are you sure about this?"

While I'm super excited about this trip, I'm nervous. I guess maybe in the depths of my heart I wasn't sure how this was all going to work out for me to go. I think I possibly believed that something was going to stop me from going.

Like, I thought my passport wouldn't come on time, some issue with my paperwork or something...would stop me from being able to go.

Even up until the other day when I had to take the Kennedy to the dr for THREE hours with some weird infection. I was thinking, "Ok, here it is, I'm going to end up in this hospital with this child and not be able to go."

But she ended up being fine and everything has seemingly worked out.

I hope someone can understand this type of thinking and that it's not just me who thinks this way.

It's called, disbelief.

Disbelief can really do some damage to our lives too. It wastes so much time. Because our thinking revolves around that which COULD go wrong -rather than that of which has already gone right.

It's dangerous thinking -disbelief. It causes a numbness, weakness and even fear.

I have experienced so many "not now's" in ministry lately that I think I have disbelief when I get a "yes-now" response from God.

Some days I feel like a broken record with my girls when they ask for things:

"No. Not now. Not yet -No. Not now. Not yet."

But then sometimes, I get to throw in a big whopin "YES!" and their faces light-up like sunshine. And it's one of the best feelings, when I get to tell them yes to something they love. They expected a no and were shocked when I said yes! Sometimes they will even go..."{Gasp!} SHE SAID YES!!!"

I imagine God feels much like that many days with us. We ask Him for great things that He would love to give us but He knows it's not time, it's not the season or we are not ready for it. But then, when He gets to throw in that "YES! NOW! GO!", it must be sweet to see our faces light-up.

And then that disbelief sneaks in. It ruins it!

But God's word promises us if we will trust Him, He will always guide us. And guiding is a process -not necessarily a result.

Proverbs 4:11 is one of my favorite promises of God:

"I guide you in the way of wisdom and lead you along straight paths."

So God reminded me that yes, He does know what He's doing. [like He needed to prove that again] And that my job is only to trust. Not to question, to wonder or even to ask for assurance. It's just to trust.

With Him leading, He will always keep us on the straight path. It may not be what we visioned or planned but it's His way.

Be encouraged today that God may be showing you through the many "not-now's" another way to His purpose for your life. And don't let disbelief stop you from receiving all that He has for you. And yes, let Him blow your mind away!

I love you all [all five of you] and I will miss this blog and your blogs for the next week. But I know that God is doing great things in your lives and I will be able to read all about them when I get back.

If you think of it, please pray for my crew and my awesome husband as he tackles motherhood for a week and for the team that's going to El Salvador. For safety, for health protection and for God to move in hearts in a bigger way than we can comprehend.

And, for the hair dryer to work. [smile]

See you in a week with pictures and updates.

Much love in HIM,
Nicki

Saying Goodbye

2010-04-29T00:00:00.000-04:00

It was my turn to vlog this week for the She Seeks site and I thought it would be cool if you checked out the video. So here it is. :)

Click here to read this week's devotion on Goodbye's and then check out this video blog.

Misunderstood.

2010-04-27T06:45:00.005-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I read this quote on twitter by my pastor:

"If you are not willing to be misunderstood, you're not ready to be used by God."

Being the people-pleaser person that I am, this truth really struck me hard. It's re-shaped my thinking. It's allowed me to experience a new freedom that I never have before.

What I have discovered over the past few years is, there's always going to be someone who doesn't like us. This is hard for a girl who likes to be best-friends with...everyone. [smile]

I believe that the further we get along the road of life the more people we will meet that...just don't like us.

But what I have also seen is that behind those feelings of dislike is typically a reason that causes us to be misunderstood by the person doing the listening. Maybe there is jealousy, their own fear or even bitterness in their life that causes them to hear something different that what is being said.

Here's what I mean: [since 80% of statistics are made up on the spot, I'm going to shoot a statistic out to you now] 75% of what we say could go two directions.

1. Here's what I really mean and 2. Here's what you heard.

Let's walk out some of these examples:

What's said: "I'm going to work out."

What I'm really doing: Working-out
What you could hear: I'm trying to lose weight

What's said: "My daughter just got all A's! "

What I was really thinking: I'm super proud of my child
What you could hear: I think my child is better than yours

What's said: "I'm really busy this week."

What I really am: Busy
What you could hear: I don't have time for you

These examples could go on and on and they could get even more serious when it's comes to the different places God is taking each of us in our lives. Because sometimes...people just want to hear what they want to hear, and it doesn't matter what is really said.

I actually think we do the same thing to God. We take bits and pieces from sermons, books, quotes and make them fit to what we would like to accomplish in life. We like to hear what we like to hear sometimes.

But I've been thinking about my own words and my ears.

And how I don't just want what I say to be fluffy, or to make a person feel all warm and fuzzy because I want to be best-friends with everyone. But on the opposite side -are there things that God is speaking to me that I don't want to hear because I want to keep things all warm and fuzzy with Him?

So yes, being willing to be mis-understood in order to speak the truth in someone's life. But also be willing to see past what you want to hear in order to be used by God.

The Inadequacies of my soul.

2010-04-25T08:35:00.005-04:00

It's a sweet Sunday morning. My girls are all sitting at the table watching their daddy make them Mickey Mouse pancakes. Not for me though, it's oatmeal, I'm a girl on a mission -but that's another post. We are going to the late church service this morning so it allows for a few extra minutes to just sit...drink coffee...and think.

Something I haven't had a lot of time to do lately. Think, that is.

I have to be brutally honest for a second. I'm scared. Out-of-my-mind.

One week from tomorrow, at a very un-godly hour, I will board a plane and head off for an exciting adventure with Compassion International to El Salvador. And as excited as I am about going, I feel a pit in my stomach about leaving my crew for five days.

And not only am I leaving them but I just found out I may not be able to talk to them very much.

I may not be able to know if they are sick, if they miss me or if their daddy can put their hair in a ponytail the right way (Lord, have mercy for the hair while I'm gone).

In the midst of all the preparing for El Salvador, I've also been trying to get ready for the A Woman Inspired Marriage Conference. So of course, you know where the battle has been in my life the past few weeks. Yes, my marriage. [side-bar, there are still tickets available and you won't want to miss this event! click here for more info]

The other night I was out to dinner with some sweet girlfriends and I just laid it all out. Bless their hearts, they got a mouthful from me.

"I just can't do this! My marriage is nothing to look at and I'm supposed to be encouraging other women through this?"

They were super supportive and tried their best to help me to realize that God would be in control..of everything. Every detail. Every step. Every move.

This morning, I woke up and the word..."inadequate" just rang over me. I felt numb, like I couldn't even take a step out of my bed without speaking to God first.

I felt like the Lord said to me, "Nicki, now you are right where I need you to be."

I have never felt confident to speak or even to write. But, I have to be honest with you, the more you do it, the more confident you get in yourself, which I believe is not where God needs us to be.

Just like I am having to relinquish control with my girls to my husband and many sweet friends while I'm gone, I am also having to relinquish control with God more than I have ever.

While I don't consider myself a control-freak, perhaps God is showing me what it's really like to give up the steering wheel and let Him drive...the whole way.

I've been thinking about this quote from Brennan Manning:

"The dominant characteristic of an authentic spiritual life is the gratitude that flows from trust."

Giving up control equals trust.

And my ultimate goal in this life is, Authentic Faith. I believe we should always be thankful for the opportunities to give up control because through that, God can form us into the real person He wants us to be.

I have to trust that God is working...and no matter how inadequate I feel, He doesn't require adequacy to serve Him.

So today, I think you and I should always be on the look for the situations that make us feel the most un-comfortable, out-of-place or inadequate. Thank God for those places, because then we can discover our greater need for a man named, Jesus.

What is the place that God is taking you to depend on Him more?

Much love in Him.

Vote for her, ok?

2010-04-21T07:42:00.006-04:00

I love my girls. I really do.

All three of them have so much to offer this world. And while I love these days of motherhood, I honestly can't wait to see what they become one day.

Kennedy, will keep everyone laughing. And she will keep the police in business with all the noise ordinance enforcements that will surely come from her life. [the girl is a bit...LOUD]

Hope will keep everyone looking at the green grass and blue skies. She will keep us all de-stressed and remind us that flowers are all beautiful, whether they make you sneeze or not.

But the politics...and the Taylor. Now y'all...I know I'm a bit biased, but this girl is on to something.

The other night I came home from working out and she rushed downstairs to show me this:

It's a letter to the Mayor.

Here's what it says,

"Dear Mayor Fox,

Hello! How are you? I'm Taylor Koziarz. I'm in the 4th grade. I'm writing this letter to you because I want to be president one day. But you can't be president if people don't know you! So, I've decided to go to law school and be a lawyer and then mayor, then Governor and then President. But I want to know more about each job. What is your job like? Does your office have cool stuff? Also, I really want to know you. So if your ready please write back and tell me about your job and you.

Also, Do you believe in Jesus Christ? Write back.

Sincerely,

Taylor Koziarz "

I mean, who would NOT vote for this girl??!!

She said, "I'm so done. Someone has got to put a stop to all this madness with teacher cuts and people loosing their houses. I've got to become friends with the Mayor so I can do something about this."

Amen girlfriend.

BTW, I don't know WHERE ON EARTH she has heard that..."I'm so done." Ahem...not from THIS momma. [wink] But, I was so proud of her for her bold faith too.

So readers, please secure your votes for her candidacy in 2028. You can tell the world, "I read about this girl on this blog 20 years ago." I tease...but not really.

There's no deep meaning in any of this...just a fun moment in this crazy journey of motherhood. Sometimes you just gotta smile.

So what are the dreams of your children?

UPDATE: Cindy over at Army Brats and Me is doing an awesome giveaway! Head her way and pretty please tell her I sent ya. :)

I don't want to ruin it.

2010-04-18T06:44:00.006-04:00

One of the biggest issues with my Kennyboo is that she has the grand ability to ruin every good situation with something called...The Whine. And typically she will whip out "The Whine" when something is not going her way.

I must confess that "The Whine" gets under my skin faster than anything and to say I can't stand it -would be an understatement.

The other day we had a GREAT day together. We laughed, she was happy, the world seemed to spin the way she wanted it to and yes, I felt like for the first time in her wee life that I had almost had a perfect day with her. [Cue: Oh Happy Day song]

But later that night, we were upstairs and I told her that she needed to pick up her clothes and put them in the laundry basket -something I ask her to do all the time. For whatever reason though, apparently what she heard was, "Kennedy, you will now spend 3.5 hours cleaning and the world will not continue to spin if you do not."

Really? All I said was, "Pick up your clothes."

But she started it. First it was, the look, the it was the little putter under her breath..."hmph...it's not fair." and THEN...the full out version of THE WHINE appeared..."BUT I DON'T WANT TO!!!!"

Ugh.

So, I got down on my knees and looked at her with the most fierce eyes I have ever been able to pop out[it was a proud moment] and said, "Kennedy, do NOT ruin this day. Get your clothes picked up and get over it."

And she did.

And it was over. I got that stern momma thing down! [smile]

Well, a few weeks ago I got some really exciting news.

In two weeks, I will be getting on an airplane with my friend and She Seeks coordinator, Lisa Whittle, and flying to El Salvador. We have the most incredible opportunity to do ministry with the very people who lead Compassion International. We will get to see first-hand how Compassion works and meet the precious children that are sponsored by thousands of people across the world!

But there was a tiny [huge], little [enormous] issue with me going. Despite the fact that my girls are going to have to be gypsies for that entire week [smile], I didn't have a current passport.

While the passport getting story is probably another blog in itself, you just have to know that it was one of the most trying situations in my life!

In fact so much so, that I found myself in a hissy fit in my prayer closet one morning, "God...why do you always have to be so last minute with me? I just KNOW I'm going to be so stressed out about this for the next three weeks. And Lord, that's just not fun!"

True -I had whipped out The Whine, to God.

And so I listened, to God. What I really felt God say to me in those quiet moments in my closet that morning were those very same words I had spoken to my boo days before, "Don't ruin it Nicki. Just trust me and get over it."

Ouch.

So I got over myself and trusted. A few days ago, I was checking [stalking] the Passport status website. I finally got a message that said, "Your passport is being processed expect it to be mailed on April 21st."

I could do April 21st!

But then, on Saturday April 17th...my HopeAnn came rushing inside with this envelope:

I had no clue what was inside, so I opened it up and found this:

My passport. Early. What?

Immediately the Lord washed over me as He said, "Nicki, it is I who keeps this world spinning, I control everything, even the things man says they do. Don't ever underestimate who I am."

I think the prophet Isaiah has one of the best "get-over-it" Scriptures there is:

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither your ways my ways, declares the Lord." -Isaiah 55:8

And so I can trust in those wise words from Isaiah and know that I should never place a box around our God. He has no time-limit. He has no deadline.

I don't want to ruin it. I want to get over myself and trust Him. It isn't always easy and it's not always fun, but God's got it so I don't have to. And sometimes He has to remind us that He will show up...when it's His time.

Update: My friend Tammi just sent this to me...had to add it. :)

The Uglies.

2010-04-16T07:37:00.002-04:00

I once heard someone describe their relationship with God as this beautiful picture. While listening to their description, I felt like Heidi running through the Swiss Alps with two braided pigtails and breathing in cool, crisp air and singing something out of the book of Psalm. It sounded awesome.

But, it really made me feel a bit inadequate because, my life...looked nothing like that.

The other day I was describing my journey to follow Jesus to someone I didn't know very well. And I'm quite sure the picture I painted was nothing like the picturesque mountain scape of Heidi. In fact, maybe it looked more like a big heaping trash-pile in a junk yard?

Broken lives are often very messy with many broken pieces. As my life has been over the years: One. Big. Mess.

Growing up in church, like many of you, I have heard these terms, "Jesus is my spring of life." or "Jesus is leading me to green pastures." to describe what it's like to follow Jesus.

And while I have no intentions of poking fun at those types of sayings, I think by using those terms to describe what it's like to have a relationship with God, when the uglies hit...we don't quite know what to make of them.

I have yet to find someone in the bible where all they did was walk through green pastures and dance at the springs of life in the name of God. For real. Following Jesus is hard and sometimes...it's ugly!

Over and over God keeps reminding me that I'm not to promote myself, that I'm not to think I have anything to offer anyone and that this world would still continuing spinning if I wasn't here.

Ouch. That's ugly. But that's the truth.

Unfortunately, there's this little ugly thing called pride that starts to slip into everyone at some point or another. Typically, it seems to pop up when things are going good.

Then, for some reason, pride gives us the ok to play God for a little bit. Because it makes us think we don't need God.

"When pride comes, the comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." -Proverbs 11:2

Remember the devil's own issues with pride in heaven[Isaiah 14]? It was ugly.

Pride gets us all disoriented. It tells us that we can make things happen and that on our journey we are God's gift to everyone.

News flash: Everyone on this earth is here for the same reason. The will of God is the same for you, me and the scary woman that is way obsessed with the weeds in her driveway down the road from me.

To follow Jesus and to lead other's to follow Him. That is the will of God. Nothing more, nothing less.

That's why I don't really like it when I hear people say, "I'm praying for the will of God in my life."

Because God's will doesn't change for anyone. The plans and the road that He leads each of us on to accomplish this? Yes, those are very different. But the will of God has never changed nor will it.

Pride convinces us differently though.

But the good news is, we can keep pride in check...always. The grace, love and mercy that Jesus offers to each of us...it's more than enough to keep pride where it belongs.

Sometimes we just have to experience a case of the uglies to help us realize our need for a Savior once again. Jesus didn't come for the perfect...He came for people just like you and I. Whose lives sometimes look like a big pile of trash.

And that's ok. Because He's more than enough...even for the messiest of piles.

The First Great Koziarz Campout

2010-04-11T15:44:00.008-04:00

Well friends. Do I have a story to tell you. So snuggle up...this could take awhile. But it's a good story, you won't be bored. Promise.

A few weeks ago the hubs and I were talking about the need to spend more quality time together as a family. You know, to bond and to develop our family dynamics.

Well, not really. We just wanted a vacation, and a cheap one at that. [wink]

But, we will stick with the bonding, loving and growing together for this post. Ok? Ok.

So, my Eagle-Scout-Outdoorsy man had this great idea to borrow his friends camper. After all, free is good. Well, I wasn't going camping unless it involved my feet dug into some sand. I mean, every girl needs her motivation.

And thanks to Mr.Google we were very quickly able to locate a fun and cheap place to park that free camper. So last Thursday we all packed up and headed to Pirate Land at Myrtle Beach. No joke, Pirate Land.

About ten minutes into the trip, I knew we were going to be in for it since there were already blue lights in the rear view mirror. That's right. Not even out of Charlotte and pulled over. We shall not discuss any further details of this. [Ahem] Because there might be some very unkind words spoken.

Ok, so anyway, blue light special and a car full of three overly excited girly's, a stressed out momma and a daddy in a rotten mood. Booyah: perfect family building dynamics. We were right on track. [smile]

The trip down there did get better --for about twenty minutes. And then the Kennyboo decided that this trip had been long enough. And thus question of the day began: "Mommy...are we there yet?" [ten minutes later] "Daddy...are we there yet?" [twenty minutes later] "ARE WE THERE NOW?" You get the idea.

Maybe the boo has a future in photography. I don't know. But thankfully the camera phone produced at LEAST ten minutes of peace. And now...for your viewing pleasure, may I present...the boredest boo on the planet and...the camera phone:

Four hours [have mercy] later, we arrived at our destination. And there was much excitement and anticipation for the Pirate Land! So the daddy got us all checked in and we headed to our campsite. Campsite #156 of you did not disappoint. You were...a campsite!

I don't really know what I expected. Clearly, I had to know it was going to look like that. Right? I don't know...sometimes I feel like my roots really are blonde despite how much I pay to make them look this way.

Then, the great task of setting up the campsite began.

Excuse me...do you have any idea how long it takes to "set-up camp"? Longer than it takes Domino's to deliver a pizza, no mistaking that. Two hours later...mission accomplished campsite #156 was now ready. And now...I could have my toes in the sand. For about ten minutes...it was dinner time.

Camping is exhausting!

That night we tried to get the girls into bed early since they were tired and it started to get really windy. So I did what every good techy camper does --I got myself on weather.com on my phone to see what was coming our way. And SURE ENOUGH, a BIG storm was coming and the fine hour of 1am. Perfect.

Now friends, I have never been through a hurricane. But let me assure you, I do fully understand why now they say, DO NOT STAY IN Campers/Trailers during one. Lord have mercy, I have never been so scared in my life! With all the rocking, shaking, tilting of that camper, the wind blowing, the rain beating down like something fierce, seriously, OH.MY.WORD.

I just kept pulling the covers over my head and praying, "Help me Jesus, Help me Jesus!" I wasn't sure campsite #156 was gonna make it!

Let's just say, I was well broken into the camping scene night one.

But the Lord knew that I would be heading home that morning if some type of miracle didn't happen. And so...he brought some beautiful Carolina Blue Skies and some warmer temps. And this was the result:

And maybe, maybe during those fine sunshine hours the thought could have crossed my mind that this wasn't so bad. But those thoughts quickly faded into the memory of my mind as night approached and I realized that somehow all three of my girls were going to need a bath.

This was a serious camping issue that I had not thought-out when I signed my name on the verbal dotted line of "yes" to camping. Because the bathrooms? With the showers? Do I need to say more? No.

But what I was NOT prepared for was the boo's absolute refusal to enter such facilities. And I do believe that all the Pirate Land temporary residents became well-acquainted with the Kennyboo and her um...scream...as I drug her little sassy-hiney into that germ-mold-infested shower stall. Have mercy.

This look, on the husband's face about sums it up for day two:

I feel the same way babe. Kiss-Kiss. Love you too.[wink]

Night two was a little better but still involved lot's of waking up. Because note-to-self: Campers are L-O-U-D. I mean, if the guy in the tent next to you sneezes you totally hear it. And some parents did not mind letting their little people run around like crazy fools. But they all got their payback at the sweet hour of 6:30 a.m. when I let MY youngins run around like wild animals on campsite #156. I don't sleep...you don't sleep. [wink]

But there were some very sweet moments. Like when Taylor looked at me and said, "This is the best trip ever." And I did everything within me to contain my laughter as I said, "Mine too honey."

God forgives all sinners, even the momma liars. Especially when there are child-hood memories at stake.

And most of the campers we met were super nice. They all tried to make us feel right at home. And I loved seeing my man in his camping element. But, I loved him even more when he said mid-day on day 3, "Do you want to go home tonight instead of in the morning?"

Oh babe. Now you are speaking my language.

And so...we packed up our crew and began the long journey home. I took one last look at campsite #156. We laughed, we cried, we screamed, we sighed...and now we must say good-bye. [cue Hallelujah chorus]

So friends, that's it. The First [Only?] Great Koziarz Campout. I'm glad we did it...after all, I am a firm believer that you should try everything once. We made some great memories and it was a good time as a family.

And maybe one day our girls will have a conversation that starts off, "Remember that time Dad and Mom took us camping...have mercy."

The End.

Stress much?

2010-04-08T06:38:00.002-04:00

Hey bloggy friends. I've loved reading all your comments on the post below...thanks for sharing your stories/hearts/thoughts with me.

But...Do you ever deal with stress? Me too. She Seeks has a devo running this week just on that!This week I got to Vlog on the She Seeks site about some simple ways to deal with stress. I'd love for you to click here and take a peek at the video blog and let me know what other ways you have to handle stress too.

Have a great weekend!

Much love,
Nicki

Know God.

2010-04-07T08:17:00.004-04:00

I am sitting outside on my deck on this perfect spring morning. Everything all around me screams beauty. The tress are all now in full-bloom, the grass has finally turned green [you have no idea how much I loathe the Bermuda grass] and, momma birds everywhere are singing songs to their new babies in their nests [despite the Kennyboos efforts to sabotage all new life this spring, but that's another post].

This morning has the makings for a great day.

But deep in my heart, I must admit my emotions are a bit full. Some are good emotions -some not so good.

Almost daily, I will hear someone say or read and e-mail that says, "But I know God has...". Sometimes the ... says: To write a book. Or to speak. Or to go on a mission trip. Or...something. And really past those words what people are saying is, "I know I'm valuable and haven't gone through everything I have for nothing."

True.

And for whatever reason, God has not done [yet] what they know He has said.

I have been there. And in many ways -I am still there.

But I was thinking about that word phrase, "I know". Those are two very confident words placed together to form a standard, a mantra, a destiny, a confidence...in God but also in ourselves.

However, those two words together after a period of rejection, heartache and disappointment can very quickly turn into, "I thought I knew...". And that stings the soul more than anything. Because then, we don't feel like our story or gifts are valuable and that leads to great disappointment.

I really believe that as women seeking to know God in a more intimate way, in a world that is becoming less and less private, we have got to return to a sacred place in our walks with Him.

The truth is when we say, "I know God...", we are honestly putting God into a box. And believe me, I know it's hard to think about your biggest dream being in a box...because you think it's the height that you can go. But God...is not able to have a cap on His plans. They are beyond ANYTHING we can imagine.

So what do we do when we are teetering on the lines of "I thought I knew..."?

1. You make it more sacred. You get before God and only God and you cry your heart out to Him. You deal with your business before the Father and lay it at His throne. While it's great to have friends to pour your heart out to, sometimes the business that God has to take care of is just between you and Him. Don't lose sight of the scared place that God wants you and I each day.

"But I, by your great mercy, will come into your house; in reverence will I bow down toward you holy temple." -Psalm 5:7

2. You get ready. If God is requiring a bold step of faith[which He does...for everyone], you do everything you can to get ready. You read, you study, you research, you pray and you do everything within your own strength to be ready.

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." -Jeremiah 29:13

3. You wait. This is the hardest for anyone, not just someone who is impatient. You wait and wait and wait. But...you wait in expectation. You can "know" that God is going to show up and show off but that it is all in His time. And His time? It could mean YEARS.

"Wait for the Lord; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord." -Psalm 27:14

4. You fail. As doors open and you wonder if they are from God or not, the only way to even begin to understand is to attempt to walk through each and every one. And failure hurts, yes it does, but through failure we will begin to see what works and what doesn't work.

"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees." -Psalm 119:71

5. You know scripture;not what God plans. The bible tells us that we cannot even comprehend the mind of God. Take some power scriptures and place them all over your house and heart. Believe that God is with you through every step!

"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear;I will help you." -Isaiah 41:13

6. You stop thinking your the next Beth Moore. Ok, it took a lot of guts to say that but friends, I meet people all the time who say this [seriously]. Beth Moore, is Beth Moore. You are, you. And I can assure you that God has NOT called you to be Beth Moore. God has gifted you in ways that only you can fulfill. Believe that! I believe that jealousy and envy is a tool that the enemy uses to steer us away from knowing what God really has for us.

"We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man’s gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his faith. If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully." -Romans 12:6-8

I see women who are falling into a pit of depression because they know their lives are valuable but yet God "seems" to be doing nothing with it...I have been there too. We have to press on and believe that destiny is on it's way. We just have to get there. And the road to destiny is different for everyone.

So today, what is God asking you to press on to? Is there a new mountain to climb? A new victory to be won? Or a destiny that is beyond anything you can imagine? Believe in your heart that God has great things for each of us. We are all His chosen ones, He doesn't just set apart "some". He chose...you.

Trust. Believe and Know...God.

Easter.

2010-04-05T09:32:00.002-04:00

Easter Eve.

2010-04-03T20:30:00.002-04:00

It's 8:30 pm on Easter Eve. My girls are all snuggled in their beds, heads adorned with curlers, bellies full of pre-Easter candy, nails painted all shades of bright spring colors and their very Un-traditional Easter attire hangs in their closets ready to be worn.

Their baskets are filled with a few fun Easter things. Eggs have been dyed and ready to be hidden. There's one special money egg that everyone will be looking for [myself included]. And my bed and my pj's are calling my name.

Yes, it would seem I am quite ready for the Easter morning.

Except for one thing.

No, it's not that I haven't reflected on this weekend. From Maundy Thursday to Resurrection Sunday, I've pondered it all.

I've thought about the great sacrifice that was made.

I've climbed through passages of scriptures to remind me of each event that has occurred.

I've prayed for my pastor and other pastors who will bring the message of etnernal destiny to lives tomorrow morning.

But the one thing that I have yet to do as of this moment is, to let you know about one of the greatest walks I have ever taken.

Many years ago, I had the opportunity to go to Israel. While there we did many amazing things but none can compare to when I walked the road, Via Dolorosa.

It was one of the most erie places I have ever walked. I remember looking at those cobble stones beneath my feet and thinking such a simple thought, "I bet this hurt to walk on." Even in the midst of a hot day, it felt very cold, very cold.

There were all kinds of people around. Some were selling things. Some were praying. Some were worshiping. And even some, were much like myself -simply stunned.

When I walked that road, honestly, I was just a Jesus girl. I was young and had no idea what it truly meant to be a broken down Jesus girl. Up until that point in my life I had never experienced great pain or suffering. But I did come to understand, even through tears, the painful road to suffering that Jesus took.

It would be only a few months later after that trip would my whole world change and would I truly think of that walk on that road, Via Dolorosa, as...a gift.

We can be moved to tears from a movie, a play or even listen to a sermon about Jesus and the cross. But until the depths of our souls experience even just a taste of suffering, I don't know that we fully appreciate all that was done for us.

But...the suffering was not without the victory!

I learned that even the greatest road of suffering ever walked, Via Dolorosa, led to the greatest victory that has ever happened.

The Resurrection.

The day after we walked Via Dolorosa, I sat in the garden that many believe was where Jesus was buried. I have to say, I believe it too. There is a great presence of God in that place and the beauty that surrounds it just cries out for a sign to be posted: Jesus was here.

And when I walked into the tomb, I saw. He's not there. He's not suffering. His body lays there no more.

Believe. Trust. And know...that Jesus...he's your Jesus. And he loved you so much...it hurt. No greater love than this will you or I ever find.

So while from Thursday until tonight, Easter Eve, we have had great reasons to reflect on what Christ did. To thank Him, to even cry tears of disbelief like I did that day on the road Via Dolorosa. But now...it's time to get your celebration on! Easter is coming in the morning.

It's done. He's Risen. Suffer no more. Jesus won!

When the hate stops.

2010-03-30T16:01:00.002-04:00

Hate is a really strong word. It is.

But I think you and I would be surprised at how much hate is fueled in the hearts of others and even ourselves. It almost brings tears to my eyes to think of the lines that can be drawn in our lives through the word, hate.

It creates sin.

It creates division.

It creates hearts to be hardened forever.

It creates jealousy.

It creates anger.

It creates fear.

In periods of my life, I have gone through circumstances that have really lead me to feelings of hate in my heart. Honestly, there have been people that I have looked at and thought nothing good about them. Some people are the obvious like rapists, murderers or liars.

But sometimes, it's the not-so-obvious that get me the most.

The people that we respect, admire and look up to can sometimes lead us to a road filled with hate. And the sad thing? They don't even realize what they are doing. And we don't realize what they've done until...it's too late.

It pains me to think about lives that are forever effected in a negative way based on one person's feelings of hate.

Today I read something on someones facebook page that led me to some very strong negative feelings. People that are placed in high positions in this world by the hands of God should never use their platform to fuel negativity. Yet, they do. And this person in high position chose to use their efforts today to fuel their own feelings of hate.

And what does that do? It creates more hate. After I read what they wrote, it created a spiral effect into my heart. I snapped at my girls, I snapped at a text message and before I knew it I needed to get on my knees and pray. Does that person have any idea what their one comment spurted out? Probably not. Does it matter to them? No.

But to me, it did.

A person that has the ability to change lives and turn hearts to God's kingdom wastes their efforts on producing more anger, more hurt and finally more...hate. It's an honest shame.

But I think in each of our lives we can discover that we have the same ability as a pastor, a well-known author or speaker. Each of us have people that are always watching, always listening and always hopeful that we will move them closer to the heart of God rather than further away.

Whether or not we realize such truths, the fact remains that each of us are given 24hours. 24 hours to make a difference in this little place called, earth. And our efforts can either remain earthly where things like hate will remain. Or we can turn them eternal where love will dominate.

It's a choice. What will you do? Stir hearts to God or stir hate to people?

I know what I want -the hate stops here.

Not Me Monday.

2010-03-29T00:01:00.000-04:00

So listen. I am obnoxiously excited about something.

Elevation Church is doing something incredible this coming Sunday. And I mean, incredible!!! They have rented out Time Warner Arena and we are all coming together from each of the campus's around Charlotte and having one big incredible Easter Celebration!! I mean, have you ever??!! [see, I told you, obnoxious with all the !!! and ???]

But, I wanted to personally invite any of you who don't have a church to attend in the Charlotte area. If you need someone to pick you up, to sit with or just the extra nudge to come on, then please e-mail me at: nickikoziarz@yahoo.com and I hook you up with all that. :)

For more details on this amazing event check out: www.elevationchurch.org

The other awesome thing is we are egging the city. Oh yes, Egging the city. :) With love that is. They are collecting all kinds of goodies for ministries in the area and all that info is on the church site. So check it out!!!! [ok, ending obnoxious punctuation marks...now.]

I've never participated in MckMama's Not Me Monday posts but they always look like fun. So surely I can come up with something in this life that I'm forever saying, "NO, NOT ME." So because Monday's can be such a drag after an awesome weekend, I thought I'd give this a try.

First, I think it's really awesome when children are comfortable with their bodies. I mean, I think it's a good thing. But I think it would be incredibly awkward for the man cutting the neighbor's yard to see a four-year-old girl in full birthday suit attire on the trampoline. It could be very weird to him. And he might re-think his business venues in our neighborhood if he heard a mother threatening a child's life if she didn't put her clothes back on!

But, nope, that didn't happen to us.

And parents, I would never allow my child who is not old enough to ride around town without a booster seat. Because, I don't do that. [wink] And while going through a license check I would NEVER tell her to sit up straighter to appear taller. But while the cop was "inspecting" the vehicle, I would never flirt with him in order to move things along and hope that he paid no attention to that back seat rider. Never....nope, not me. That's way illegal.

Everyone goes grocery shopping. Right? I mean, we all have to do it. But let's face it, there could be nothing worse than someone who lets one rip in the aisle and then walks off. It's HORRIBLE. I mean, horrible. Why do people do that?

And perhaps there are children in this world who might call someone out this disgusting attack by shouting, "EWE....what stinks?!". And I would never start laughing hysterically and whisper, "Busted" as we passed him in the next aisle. Never. Because that, would be way immature. And hello, I am almost a ripe age of 30. [ahem]

Finally, in efforts to attempt getting a certain little boo to stop sucking her thumb...I know it would tragically damage her emotionally to inform her that I just read an article on children who sucked their thumbs completely off. I mean, that could like make her cry or worse...tell her teacher at school. But I, no, I would never do that.

Because that's not me. [wink]

[ok, so that was fun...but that sad thing is, I could've made this post ten pages long! come back Wed for another giveaway ok?]

Trust.

2010-03-26T07:39:00.002-04:00

When life doesn't make sense. You trust God.

When you get no, after no, after no...You keep trusting God.

When storms come and the ground all around you feels shaken...You trust God.

When you are lonely and it seems that you have not a friend in this world...You keep trusting God.

When the seams start to fall apart and you feel one more tug will pull you in...You trust God.

When things are great and life is like one big sunny day. You keep trusting God.

When God moves you to a place you cannot understand. You trust God.

In every season, in every place, in every movement of God...You keep trusting God.

That's all. Trust.

"Those who trust in the LORD are like Mount Zion, which cannot be shaken but endures forever." -Psalm 125:1

What is God asking you to endure through today to trust Him more?

We have the greatest kids

2010-03-23T18:57:00.007-04:00

I shared with you that last Thursday was our ten-year anniversary. Well, while I was wooed by my husband with flowers, neat things for our yard and a special night out this coming weekend, I was not prepared for what my girls had been up to!

Taylor came home from school on Thursday VERY stressed out. She needed me OUT of the house, she had things to do and I could NOT know about them.

So we did our best to stay out for a few minutes while she set her plan into action.

I have to share though that days before Taylor had overheard Kris and I talking about our very bummeristic car issues which drained [BIG-TIME] our anniversary fund.

And perhaps [in my sadness], I may I have shouted something like, "WELL GREAT! Hawaii can wait ANOTHER ten years!!!"

Maybe. If I was the shouting type. [wink]

However, The night before our anniversary I received this e-mail from a certain fourth grader:

This is the the manager of Waikiki Hawaiian style hotel.Thank you for
participating in
the Hawaiian contest you will be staying in room number
1023
sincerely,
Waikiki hotel

Cute isn't it?

So when we were shooed outside I knew she was up to something. But I was so surprised when Kris and I walked in the door and saw this:

I couldn't believe it! The girls had their "Hawaiian" style clothes on. The table had been set, complete with menus and some yummy fruit kabob's were on the counter.

What I didn't know was that Taylor [sneaky girl] had gotten her class at school involved!

So she had a lei and a pineapple candle on the counter from her sweet teacher. [You are an amazing teacher Mrs. Hendricks!] AND THEN...She lead us upstairs where all of her friends had decorated beautiful Hawaiian pictures for us. They were all taped to the hallway. There was a volcano, a surf board and pretty palm trees. [sorry the picture stinks]

Then the girls led us to our bedroom where this cute note was on our bed stand:

After we had seen all the things they had done and eaten our yummy dinner [wink], the girls told us they had ONE more surprise. They led us outside and pulled up two chairs for us to watch a luau show they had created just for us! There was dancing:

And more dancing. And lot's of giggles. Complete with the Happy Anniversary song sung to the tune of Happy Birthday.

So Hawaii came to us. And I have to say of all the anniversaries Kris and I have had, this is the most memorable so far. It meant the world to have our girls care and plan so much like they did. It brings tears to my eyes even now writing this, because this...was a great [one of the best] moment of parenthood.

I love this crew. I really do!

The event: Failure.

2010-03-22T07:45:00.004-04:00

Failure is not an option -it's a requirement.

Those are the words that stung through my heart yesterday as I sat in my chair at church yesterday. With a horrible attitude and an uneasy heart, I made my way into our sanctuary. The music seemed too loud [it wasn't any louder than usual]. It was crowded [it's always crowded]. The guy next to me had way too much cologne on [have mercy...]. And I...was not in a spiritual mood...at all.

Pretty much the perfect setting for a booty kicking from God.

And He did. Kicked [the booty]. Hard.

My book has been turned down now more times than I have fingers to count. And never with a "real" reason. I think I could take it if they would say, "Hey Nicki- you stink as a writer, give it up." But these publishers/agents never give a reason worth stating.

So, when you write a book about the failures of life and then you seem to fail at getting it published...it can be the perfect scenario for a deeper pain.

It's like the one thing you are trying to make use of your life and it keeps becoming even more useless.

The truth is though, I realize I haven't even made the foundation of failure yet.

Because what God is teaching me is that this journey with Him, it isn't for the faint of heart. It's not for those who change direction like the wind and go off in whatever direction sounds amazing at the moment. It's a steady and long road.
Faith requires major risks. And risks will lead to failures. Certainly.

But, when we become afraid to fail -we fail to take the risk. It's such a Catch-22!

This is a hard one for me because I'm such a, Let-God-do-this-kinda-girl. I don't like to try to push open doors because I have seen the greatest blessings come from my hands being totally removed. This is an inner struggle that's become one of the greatest battles in my life: How much and how far do I do on my own strength?

Maybe you struggle with this too?

The Lord lead me to this passage of scripture this morning. Which seems very fitting for a failing girl like myself [smile]. You can put your name in the brackets if you can relate:

"Now it is God who makes us and you stand firm in Christ. He appointed us [Nicki], set his seal of ownership on us [Nicki], and put his Spirit in our [Nicki's] hearts as a deposit, guaranteeing what is to come." -2 Corinthians 1:21-22

I serve a God who has never failed, never made a mistake and who has never not followed through with what He destined each of us to.

But failure has to come in order to shape our hearts into what exactly He needs us to be.

Failure makes us humble. Failure makes us ready. Failure makes us wise. Failure makes us ready to try something new. Failure makes us see our need for Him. In fact...you haven't really lived until you have failed.

True.

So today, I embrace failure. Because I don't just know, but I believe that failure is not an option...it's a requirement.

Decade: Monumental.

2010-03-18T00:01:00.002-04:00

Today is a monumental day.

10 years ago today at 7pm, I took the deepest breath of my life, looked at my best [and only] friend at the time and said, "Here I go.". She gently pushed me towards that aisle and said, "Go."

I stepped foot into an Old Historic Church in Charlotte, North Carolina. I gazed down that aisle at a very young-handsome-guy, who had no idea what he was about to get into.

Neither of us did.

The words I heard a few days prior in a counselor's office, "You have every odd against you." rung through my ears as I took that first long step towards the alter.

We were both 19. Pregnant. Broke. Fearful.

True -every odd against us.

But the fact is, we still have every odd against us. And it's why today is a monumental day in our lives.

Some days, I feel like we are barely hanging on by a thread to our love for each other. Many days I feel like we will never get to the point I want us to be at. But more days than not, I look at the man sleeping beside me and remind myself that what God ordains;He sustains. And He will see us through to the end.

And for that reason, I am one of the luckiest girls in the world.

Nothing is perfect. NOTHING. I've come to accept that. Not even my own relationship with Christ. So how could I ever expect my marriage to be perfect?

I can't. And I won't.

But when I look at Kris I know that God gave Him to me. Whether or not we entered into this marriage from a beginning of sin, I know that God hand-picked Kris for me.

Because I'm not sure there's another man in this world that would love me, believe in me, put up with me and handle my many decorating projects with such care and ease. [smile]

He is a man of very few words [which is difficult for a woman with many]. But he's a good listener [perhaps not always the best responder but, a good listener]. He's the hardest worker I know [seriously, he is]. He's an awesome daddy. He knows how to make me laugh. He knows how to steal my heart. And He's the man I say, "I love you" to.

So honey, here's to many more decades of life with you. I don't know what the future holds but I know it holds us, together. With you by my side I know I can get through anything and climb over any mountain. You inspire me to be a better person, always.I still get butterflies when I see you. You still make the world go round in my eyes. And that's all that really matters on a monumental day like this.

Happy 10 years Kris Koziarz. We made it. Now, quit taking my pillow so we make it through the next decade. [wink]

I love you.

The season of..."this sucks".

2010-03-15T07:00:00.003-04:00

I've got to be raw for a moment. Honesty and rawness? Not the same.

Nope. Rawness...isn't fun to write about.

This season of life I'm currently in? It sucks. Yes. It does. There, I said it.

I mean, sometimes -life just sucks. Now yes, there's been lot's of good woven in-between the suckiness [btw, if that word offends, sorry? get over it? stop reading?] but the general aroma of 2010 so far has been...this sucks.

So what do you do when life...sucks? Well, I've been asking that question this morning because let's face it...we all have seasons of life like this.

It would be easy for the holier-than-thou person [not that ANY of those read this blog] to say something like, "Well, you are just not finding favor with God right now." or to ask, "Is there some type of un-confessed sin in your life that's keeping you from great things?" But, I just don't comprehend judgemental questions or statements like that very well.

Perspective tells me that this is not a season of great tragedy or horrific circumstances -I get that. Emotions tell me that pain and heartache is sometimes just a part of life -I get that too.

But I think what you and I fail to realize is, typically when life sucks, it's because things are just not going our way. Yes, I'd prefer my mom not have cancer. I'd prefer my husband to be home more. I'd prefer to be celebrating my 10-year anniversary in Hawaii rather than at the car repair shop.

When it feels like things are just so out of control and when you can't do a whole lot about the things...then it sucks.

And I really think that the majority of depression in women arrives from a season of "this sucks". It's hard to see the end. It's hard to feel the greatness coming. It's hard to let go of control and allow the world around us to continue to spin -without our permission.[wink]

But I've begun to see that the season of "this sucks" can be one of the greatest seasons of growth spiritually in our lives. Why? Because it allows for God to work in new circumstances.

You can't teach a woman a new destiny in an old purpose.

What do I mean by that?

Have you ever heard someone say, "I'm praying for God to do a new thing in my life." but then...they remain exactly where they are at in life? They do nothing new...they move in no new direction? How did that "new thing" work out for them? I'm not sure too well.

Ezekiel 36:26 says, "I'll give you a new heart, put a new spirit in you. I'll remove the stone heart from your body and replace it with a heart that's God-willed, not self-willed."

The truth is, the season of "this sucks" is really a dawning of a new purpose. It's really God doing what He says in this verse above, He replaces the old with something new. Him. Not us.

But how many of us [including myself] stomp our feet and throw our fits and refuse to move into the new purpose? Because the new purpose? It seems to suck. It's not what we are used to or even like. And then, we end right back up on top of the mountain of...defeat.

We like to think of a new thing as something exciting, engaging and that which makes us giddy. I really think those feelings are temporary. Refinement is permanent. And permanent is...purposeful.

As much as I hate to say this...I believe that God is doing a new-thing in me and many of my sister's in Christ. But it has nothing to do with a prize at hand. And I think for the first time in my life, I can really say it's new because...it's hurts. It's been painful. And, it's been a time for a lot of refinement -for all of us.

But I know through it all, it will bring a greater purpose than we can even see, right now.

That's a word I want in my life. Purpose. Enough with the foolishness already, bring on the purpose! And if getting to that point means my life sucking just a bit? Then, that's a part of the walk and walking with Jesus doesn't mean taking the short-cut.

The seasons of life will take us through many routes to purpose. The pathway to purpose isn't the same for everyone. And sometimes it may seem very unclear as to what God is doing. But if we will trust, hang on and believe that every step is leading us into a purposeful destiny, it will be a lot easier to walk through the seasons of "this sucks". [smiles]

For more encouragement to "do-life" with other's, visit Rachel Olsen's devotional blog carnival today! Click here.

The Brutal Truth.

2010-03-10T18:52:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I posed a question on facebook about what type of article to write for a mom's magazine I was submitting to. I was expecting everyone to answer like, "How to discipline." or "How to do craft projects." or something that I like actually knew something about. Because that's what writer's do...they write on stuff on what they know.

So, when there was a general consensus that something needed to be written about finding a balance and putting your husbands first...I immediately crossed that off the list.

Because...haven't you heard? Along with, Mother of the Year... I am the final runner up for, Wife of the Year.

In fact, I do believe I divorced my husband no less than five times last week, surely I said some painful things, cooked ridiculous meals and have you seen my house this week? Yes, it's not too lovely. And if you see my girls with no socks on...just let it go, ok? {wink}

The truth is, the stress level in our lives is at the highest it has quite possibly ever been. So much so that my doctor told me last week I'd better do something about it because my blood pressure isn't too agreeable right now either. Hello, I could have totally saved my $30 copay and told myself that!

I'm not sure that finding the 180 degrees of balancing wifehood, motherhood and everythinghood is possible or even attainable. There have been seasons where my house has been cleaner, my girls have been dressed better and my husband's belly is full of something other than frozen pizza. I tend to find the balance in one area and then life throws a curve ball and it's all out of whack again. I know you get that too.

Y'all do know I am exaggerating a little right? I mean, we only ate frozen pizza like three times last week. {wink}

Clearly, I do have imperfection figured out. I do however realize that behind all of my imperfection is a perfect God. Who has promised me that what He ordains, He sustains. And while I must be active in doing my part to loving my husband and kids in the way that I'm supposed to, He will pick up the broken pieces if need be during a tough season of life.

This morning I found myself in the book of John where I have been closely studying the life of Christ; what He did, how He spoke, who He spoke to...but I came across something that I think is applicable to our chaotic lives.

In John 17:1-5 this is where Jesus actually prays for himself. Jesus, God in the flesh...had to stop and pray for himself...hmm, something to take note of. Verse 4 however says something that really stung me: "I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do."

Honestly ladies, I'm not sure that the Father is so concerned with whether or not our kids have matching socks on or whether we cleaned our bathrooms three times or one time this month. The business that the Father is concerned with is that we are bringing Him glory in what He has given us to do.

And what exactly does bringing God glory look like?

If He has given you a season where your bathrooms can be cleaned everyday and that brings Him glory for your personal walk then you do it 100%. If He has given you a season of holding babies, wiping noses and changing diapers, then you do it 100%. Or if He has given you a season of working outside the home, driving carpool and being everywhere at every moment, then do it 100%.

Whatever work is set before you, bring Him glory through it by giving it your best. But keep in mind that God hasn't placed the entire universe at your feet and said, "Here, do something with this."

He gives us bits and pieces of His work. And we have to figure out what His business is in our lives and the go for it, 100%. The rest of the world? It can figure itself out. Your seasons of life will change and there will be times of more and less.

Ok, so the business I have before me today includes at least 8 loads of laundry, bathrooms to be cleaned and a playroom that looks like King Kong stepped through, so I'd better scoot. But just so you know, we are eating frozen pizza tonight. {wink}

Much love in Him,
Nicki :)

The Rest of the Story.

2010-03-08T00:01:00.000-05:00

Happy Monday friends. If you are visiting from the She Seeks site today, welcome! If you are not visiting from She Seeks and haven't made your way over there yet today, please head that way now and read the devotional entry that I had the opportunity to write this week. Click here.

This was a tough week to write. I wrote about a very personal experience that happened to my big brother Mike a few years ago. He battled a very strong addiction to cocaine and alcohol. In the devo I wrote about what it's like to be on the other side;to watch it go down.

But today -on this blog, I wanted to share with you an update on where Mike is now and the life that he lives. Mike struggled for almost an entire year battling his addictions. He went through two separate rehab centers and ended up having to move all the way across the country to Seattle, WA to live nearby the rehab center that he was successful in.

It has been really tough to not have him close by but we knew that this was the best option for him. While there Mike met a great girl named, Jenny. They struggled with a lot of the same problems and ended up getting married! :) Two are better than one. Jenny had a little guy named Gavin -who is just as smart as can be and together they had a little sweet boy named Asher, who lives up to his name meaning of "happy". You've heard me mention Asher before and his need for prayer for the surgeries that he went through this past year. He is doing great and here are some pics:

When I asked Mike if I could tell you his story, he said absolutely. He knows that maybe his story can help someone else along the way. And that is really what the journey is all about.

Something very exciting is that yesterday Mike celebrated two years of being clean! Two years!! That's incredible.

I'd love for you to leave Mike a comment here today congratulating him on his journey.

And if you or someone you love is battling an addiction, please know that you are not alone and there is help out there for you. E-mail me at: nickikoziarz@yahoo.com if you have questions or need some guidance.

He Sees.

2010-03-05T07:42:00.004-05:00

A few days ago I came downstairs and noticed right away that two of my girls were about to be in major trouble. It appeared that a black Sharpie marker had made its way into their troublesome hands yet once again.

Now listen, we have had our CTJ [Come To Jesus] meeting about the Sharpie Marker. Oh yes, we have. Many a times.

Like when Taylor was three and she decided to promote her fabulous artwork with the Sharpie all over my brand-new-crisp-white sheets. We had the first CTJ meeting.

Or when HopeAnn decided to draw on the computer's keyboard with the Sharpie because her Crayola crayons no longer suited her very well. We had another one then too.

And of course, when the Kennyboo decided to decorate her freshly painted walls, sweet-white picket fence headboard and window sill with the orange Sharpie marker, we had to have us another CTJ meeting about the usage of the Sharpie.

I mean, I thought we were crystal-clear about how this momma feels about the Sharpie Marker. So you can imagine my displeasure when I saw two girly's doing an art project that involved dipping the sharpie marker into water and then dabbing it onto the paper towel...on the white bench. It was not a beautiful moment.

We immediately had our hopefully last CTJ meeting about the sharpie marker. I was angry, I was fed-up and I was just ugly in that CTJ meeting about how much I do not like that stinkin Sharpie marker!

Then, this morning God began to speak a word to my heart about this incident through this verse:

"From heaven the Lord looks down and sees all mankind; from his dwelling place he watches all who live on earth." -Psalm 33-13-14

My girls thought they were getting away with something because I was upstairs, I couldn't see them and I didn't know what they were doing. And I wonder how many times you and I do the exact same thing to God. We think because an immediate consequence doesn't happen-that maybe the big guy upstairs let that one slide. Just because He is the unseen God doesn't mean He is the God who doesn't see.

He sees conversations we shouldn't be involved in.

He sees moments of weakness where temptation triumphs.

He sees words spoken through anger, bitterness or jealousy.

He sees irrational actions that are made from being unwilling to wait upon Him.

He sees-according to that verse-All.

I forget too. I forget the awareness, greatness and majesty of who God is. He's not my bestie. He's my God: The God who sees all. Daily, may I remember that He is watching. But I also need to remember that He will have as many CTJ meetings as need be for me to get-it. Because He's a God who loves without condition and also forgives and corrects as many times as it's needed.

Those black lines and dots that are on the white bench of my kitchen? I'm sure eventually I will want the clean-white-crisp look back again but for now they are a much needed reminder. {smiles}

No title...can't think.

2010-03-04T08:50:00.004-05:00

Hey friends, looks like the flu has hit our house today. It's been inching it's way in all week but today we are yuck.

So instead of a blog post today I thought I'd post on my blog the vlog that I did for She Seeks this week. You can either watch it here or head over to www.sheseeks.org and click on the "Find Truth" tab to view. It might help for you to read the devotion that's being run this week. Or you can just hang out here. :)

Imperfections. Ever struggle with it? Me too.

The Team

2010-02-28T15:28:00.003-05:00

As I'm typing this I'm watching the last event of the 2010 Winter Olympics; USA vs CAN in ice-hockey. This game has gotten very intense here the last few minutes.

To be honest, I have never been much of an Olympic watcher. I don't know why, call me UN-American or UN-Supportive or whatever...but it's just never been something I've ever looked forward to watching.

Until this year.

When I heard a news caster recapping an event and calling one of the skiers "old" and she's thirty-two...I gasped! What? When did being thirty-two mean being old? I mean, hello, I am a woman dawning on those years. They then painstakingly announced that this was her last shot and she blew it!

After I heard that, I became a bit more captured by the hearts and souls of those giving it their absolute best...for the last time. I felt what they felt. I cried with those who cried as they wiped out on the last leg of their races. I rejoiced with those who rejoiced as they blind-sided everyone. And I've gasped with everyone at some of these judge's calls that have cost some the most important medal of their lives!

To be quite honest though, it's been tough to watch some of these award ceremony's. And just as I'm writing this, USA has lost...by just one..one goal. Ouch. The faces of each of those men standing there awaiting their silver medal is a little sour. It's almost like they don't even want it! Wow.

When I was in high-school I was on the tennis team. And while I should clarify...I was barely on that tennis team. I was like the second to last in order on the team. Just so you know. {wink}

I loved wearing that white skirt and tank-top that said: Independence TENNIS. And I loved that one of our coaches would always backfire our very outdated school van at any and every stop-light just to announce our presence! Nothing says classy tennis girls like a gun-shot sound and black smoke filling the air.

I stunk at tennis, I knew that. But it was fun. And I loved it.

When the end of our season rolled around our coach had us all over to her house. She had gotten pizza and we were just hanging out...as a team. She then told us that she wanted to go ahead and give us the awards that she had for us. I began to get a little nervous because what kind of award would I get?

Most likely to lose? or MWP (most worst player)?

Oh gosh. This couldn't be good.

When my name was called, I'm quite sure I turned as red as a fire engine as I walked forward. My stomach was in knots. I prayed silently asking God to not let this become the most embarrassing moment of my life.

My coach came over to me and presented me with this award:

Nicki: Most likely to love being on the team

I took a deep sigh of relief and tears filled my eyes. Because if ever there was an award that was so fitting...it was that. I loved being apart of that team.

To this day, that was one of the greatest moments of my life.

Because I remembered that it wasn't about being the best, it wasn't about the most match's won or how many times my name was in the paper. It was just about being on the team.

It was a great lesson to learn at the tender age of seventeen years old. One that changed the view of everything I've been apart of since.

The greatest honor we will ever hold is being on: Team Jesus. But I think we lose sight of it all to easily. We forget to cheer on the girl beside of us or in front of us. We forget how we are all doing this thing called "life" together. And just like the USA team, our faces can turn a little sour when it seems like someone has beaten us.

May we never forget or lose sight that gold is in all of our destiny's. Streets of gold that is. And on that day we all win because it's all...about Him.

And I hope my first words will be, "Jesus, I just loved being on the team." Because I really do. I love being on the team.

The very few.

2010-02-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

"Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do." -James 1:8

I'm thinking. About women. And can I just confess? Sometimes...women, drive me nuts. And yes, that would include the all three personification's of Nicki: me, myself and I. {wink}

I remember when I was a little girl we had a car that had these two side-view mirrors... well, wait a minute, every car has two side-view mirrors...ahem...Anyway, I remember that in little white writing on the mirrors it read, "Warning, objects in mirror may appear closer than they are".

Not completely sure why of all the grand spectrum of words from my childhood I read, that those particular white-vinyl letters have stuck with me for 20-something years...but never-the-less...they have. {smiles}

While I was learning how to read I would always look at those 10 perfected words each day while we were driving trying to sound them out. Some day's, I would get it wrong. My dad or mom would call it out to me and I'd try it again. But then one day...I just read it {or I had memorized it} but... it just came! I was thrilled!

Simple words. Simple meaning. Something...may look closer than it is.

Now as a woman dawning on the 30th year of my life, I am seeing those words in a whole new way. Sadly, I think as women we have perfected the art of making those 10 words stick to our souls tighter than any vinyl stick letters can stick on a side-view mirror.

The thing is...you and I...we have to know. We have to know that people see right through it. Right? We have to know that when it's obvious to the world around us that we are not consistent or stable in what we do...that people can see it!

When our loyalty is divided like this verse says, everyone in this world will be able to see it. We can fool a lot of people with our appearences, our words and even our emotions. But truly... stability, it's something that shows. It cannot be hidden too well. Because, stability is a good reflection of what is going on in our hearts.

This past year I have learned that loyalty is really not what I thought it was. It's really not sticking with someone through thick and thin. It's really not about picking a group and calling it your own. Or defending someone until you are blue in the face.

It's sticking to God and God's word, no matter what.

No matter what opportunities fade, what friendships are lost and no matter whose feelings get hurt. Never again will I say I am loyal to any person...only to my God. Because when we put our loyalty into a person, we are exactly like this verse says: "Divided between God and this world." People will let us down. People will make us believe their side. And people will fail to act as they appear to be. As I will too...many times in this life of mine.

However, if our loyalty only belongs to one God, one King and one Savior...loyalty will never even be an issue. Because when we are loyal to God, He makes all things stable. Emotions, feelings, thoughts, actions...everything is stable. Everything.

One of the things I love about my husband the most is that he is very predictable in his feelings. I really have never looked at him and gone, "Good grief he is unstable right now!" How many times has he looked at me and thought that? Hmm, well perhaps there are just some things that should remain as unspoken. {smiles} Let's just say, opposites attract.

Jesus girls, it's time for us to grow up. It's time to put the big girl panties on and start living lives that are 100% stable in Christ. Sure we have these things called "hormones" battling everything in our souls to remain stable in Him, but with Christ anything is possible! Anything!! Stability, Hormones, Emotions and all....it's all possible.

And then, when we look in the mirror...we WILL appear as it is so. Closer to Jesus and closer to the call of Authenticity. That is a beautiful reflection, for sure. One that I want more than anything else in my life right now. Amen for reflections that show us the truth and allow us to grow in Him!

Putting my big girl panties on and taking a good look in the mirror today. {wink}

Much love in Him,

Nicki

The Call.

2010-02-21T20:22:00.004-05:00

I am speechless. I truly am. This cursor in front of me continues to flash and it appears to say, "Write. Write. Write."

I don't know if I can even put into words what I experienced this weekend. It is beyond anything this 'lil writer can put into words. So rather than fumble through my words, perhaps I can just tell you about the weekend.

For those of you who have no idea what I'm so speechless about...this past weekend I had the amazing opportunity to lead a conference for 30 teen girls at Ridgecrest,NC. I have never been so nervous, so out of my element or so in need of God to step down and take over me. I spent an amazing week basically in my prayer closet preparing for this opportunity.

Because authentic destiny...requires preparation. Lot's of preparation. So much preparing, that my Kennyboo wanted to know who I was hiding in my closet because she couldn't understand why I was in there talking and who could be in there that it was so important! {smiles} "You know your a speaker when...."

As I pulled into the conference center, tears filled my eyes. I was overwhelmed that this day had finally come. The enemies attacks had been so strong in the previous weeks I wasn't sure this whole thing would really come to play. But never the less, God had great things to come. And the weekend kicked off in a great way that Friday night as the girls and I met for the first time.

We kept it very informal, had small groups and just a time for getting to know each other better on Friday night. I was able to speak as well as lead one of the small groups for most of the sessions, which was amazing! The girls that God placed in that group have been through some tough things. Things no girl should ever have to face. And yet at their tender ages, they have.

I was grateful that they were so open and willing to talk. Because I know when the truth starts to come out, then victories can start to begin. But it was tough...I will be honest. My heart ached for each of them beyond belief.

Both of the sessions on Saturday went great and God was moving in mighty ways. I could see it in their eyes, they were ready to meet their authentic destiny...to move into the high calling of authenticity in their lives. And they did...oh my...they did.

Some of the younger girls of the group completely stole my heart on Saturday night. They had listened to the message of the book I've been proposing to publishers, "The Unlikely Prom Queen" that morning during our first session and seemed to really connect with the story... and so they went out and bought me a crown! They walked over to me, placed the crown on my head and said, "Nicki...you are our prom queen!"

It was the sweetest thing ever, brought tears to my eyes...but what those girls may never know is what had happened just two hours before that moment. I was in my room preparing for that night's session while they were out snow tubing. I noticed an e-mail had come through on my phone and picked it up to look at it. My heart was racing because I saw that it was an e-mail from a very reputable agent I had just submitted my work to.

On a Saturday night? I didn't think it was good.

The news was devastating. Another no. And with no explanation of why. I was extremely upset but had to pull myself together...I had to. Destiny was at stake for these girls and there was no time to mourn my defeat.

But God used those sweet girls to lift my spirits beyond belief! Isn't it amazing how God will use anything and anyone to move your heart to His eternal destiny??!! God is so good.

But Sunday morning was a day that heaven's gates were rocked out! Decisions were made and lives were changed forever! I believe that God has a great things for this generation coming up and I am so blessed to have just been apart of this weekend. Just to see. And to experience what God is doing with their lives!

It was beautiful.

I will never forget The Call to Authenticity Ridgecrest Conference. It was life-changing. As a friend of mine says, "It's all about Jesus, I just got to play the supporting role." That's exactly how I felt.

The victories are His and the defeats don't matter. Because He won. Satan lost. And that's all that matters in this quiet moment now. Glory and Praise forever to God for all He is and to the authentic destiny's that He calls you and I today.

And now...destiny requres some good sleep. :) Have a great week everyone. I love you so.

My Personal Sanctification.

2010-02-12T07:21:00.002-05:00

I can't believe it's Friday. This week has flown by. Mom was unable to have her chemo yesterday. They stuck her NINE times with five different nurses and were unable to start in IV. It was a super rough day for her. But we are trusting that there is a reason why she didn't have it and as my very wise facebook friend Misty put it, "Sometimes the body just needs a rest."

My dad will go be with her this weekend and they will try it again on Monday. So thank you for your prayers and support. You can follow her blog for updates. Thanks for those of you who have stopped by and wished her well!

I feel the need to let you know where I will be for the next week.

Next weekend, I have such an exciting yet scary opportunity. I will be speaking all weekend at a Teen girl's retreat at Ridgecrest, NC. While I'm really looking foreward to this, I have been moved beyond words by the voice of God.

See, I realize that more than ever I am the most unqualified girl for this task. Oh yes, I see it. There are hundreds of teen girl speakers and authors and quite frankly I feel like this 'lil Jesus girl has gotten in way over her head with this.

I've been preparing for weeks...weeks. Hours and hours. But I realized last night that there is something even bigger than preparation that I have to do. See, I can't do this. NOPE. I will fail because I am not good enough to swing something like this. Just being honest. There is no possible way that I could just ease through a weekend like this.

But just like so many other's who have come before me have, I know I have to completely step outside of myself and into the presence of God like never before. I do not take anything I ever do for God's kingdom lightly. Ever. But particularly for this task, there is a great battle at hand. As I have heard the stories of God bringing girls to this retreat in great and mighty ways and the many obstacles that are occurring in each of their lives, I realize that destiny, it's dawning in many of their lives.

And because my destiny took a sharp turn when I was 19, I have never felt more unqualified for the task at hand. But I know that is exactly where God wants me, He needs me and will push me to be need be. {smile} He qualifies the unqualified, He strengthens the weak and He fulfills the unfulfilled.

So for the next week, I have prayed and asked the Lord what I need to do to sanctify myself before Him for this task. And He has clearly revealed that this blog, other's blogs, facebook and twitter all must fade for this week. Because even though my soul is often encouraged by other's through these networks and I like to encourage others, He needs to speak to me. He needs to step me away from the ordinary. And He can't do that if I'm busy, busy, busy with...social stuff.

Which is a great sacrifice for a social needy girl. {wink}

I plead with you for prayers, not for me, not for my message or anything about me but that God's presence would be undeniable. UNDENIABLE. And that is why I know giving up these networks for this week will be a great task for me personally because I'm such a words of affirmation needy person. I love for people to say, "Oh yes, that's God." And I know I have to not "need" that from this world. I "need" to be in total check with God. TOTAL.

If I was really crazy, I'd give up caffeine this week too, but you and I both know that the Holy Spirit needs caffeine to fully function. Especially with teen girls. {smile}

Of course I can't give up e-mail because that's how the world spins these days. So if you need me, something major happens or you need prayer please feel free to e-mail me at: nickikoziarz@yahoo.com

And I do have that thing called a phone still too. :) But I won't post that on the www for everyone to see.

So I'll see y'all in a week or so. I love you. God loves you and I can't wait to share with you all about the love that God pours into these girls next weekend!!

Be blessed!

this and that

2010-02-11T00:01:00.000-05:00

Today I'm headed to Asheville to be with my mom for her 5th round of chemo. Hopefully the weather will be nice to me as I drive up there. Please be in prayer for her. She has a blog that she writes on and I'd love for you to check it out and leave her a thought of encouragement.

Click here to visit.

Also my awesome mentor and friend has a devotion running this week on the She Seeks site so be sure to check that out. {http://sheseeks.org/find-truth}

AND, today on the She Seeks site her video blog is running that I had a chance to tape with her! SO MUCH FUN. Use the link above to find that vlog too.

Ok, so short and sweet today. Ahhh...if life were always that easy.

Have a blessed rest of your week!

Much love in Him.

Reaching for Holy Hope.

2010-02-08T10:05:00.003-05:00

I found myself this morning seeking God for something I have never whole-heartedly sought after Him for:

Holy Hope.

You see, after weeks of discouragement in this writing process I have cried out to my God, "LORD, do you really need another writer in this world?" and "LORD, do you really need another speaker in this world? I mean, it seems they are in abundance these days."

The answer He has said over and over is, "No. I've got that covered thank you. But there is only one you...and I would like to use you if you would allow me to the way I see fit."

I have never been one who has ever wanted to be someone else. In fact, my mom can vouch for this but I pride myself in doing things in a unique and special way. Except in the first grade, I wanted to be the girl who my Charlie boy was chasing after. {wink} There is no desire to be Beth Moore, Priscilla Shirer or Kay Arthur. Although they are great women of faith {literally}, No thank you, I'd like to just be Nicki Koziarz.

But here's the thing. Nicki Koziarz is still trying to get her groove on with Jesus every single day. I have not perfected who exactly God has destined me to be. And I actually get offended when people say things like, "Well how did Beth Moore get her first book published?" Because again, I'm not Beth Moore.

If there is one thing I have learned in my 29 years of life it's this, everyone has a story. Everyone has a purpose and everyone has unique gift that only they can give back to this world. But my confidence is beginning to lack greatly. GREATLY.

In fact so much so that I have been pursuing the question of, "When is it time to hang it up?"

So I found myself where I often do on a Monday morning, on my knees of my prayer closet, crying out to my Abba Father......"I need some hope."

But instead of Him agreeing with my pleas for help, He so gently reminded me that it's not just hope that I need...it's Holy Hope.

Because Holy Hope doesn't fill my soul with false perceptions of who I think I'd like to be. Holy Hope doesn't fill my longings with things of self desire or perfection that is not attainable.

Holy Hope.....is filled with holiness......which can only come from God.

The kind of hope that allowed David to write a prayer like this:

"But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in you."-Psalm 39:7

Or for Jeremiah to write this:

"But blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose confidence is in him."-Jeremiah 17:7

The kind of hope that makes us trust through unanswered questions and prayers. And even the hope that will allow your life to make a drastic course of change if need be.

So that is where I rest my soul today. In that kind of hope. A hope that can change the life of anyone, not just me. It's the hope that really gives us our future.

Ok, so that's me. Raw and Real today. It's not always pretty, it's never perfect but it is attainable. Holy Hope.

It's not fair.

2010-02-05T07:01:00.002-05:00

If there is one phrase that gets said in my home that gets under my skin more than anything it would be: IT'S NOT FAIR.

In fact, just this morning those words rolled off my four-year old's tongue once again. HopeAnn has had a great week at school and yesterday after school she excitedly told each of us that her class's reward is an ice-cream party. She is thrilled! And we are thrilled for her. {smile}

But of all the things that happened yesterday....going to pre-school, playing with her friends, the girls getting straight A's on their report cards, finishing homework up, playing a game with daddy, reading their devotion and snuggling in bed...the Kennyboo decided that would be the one thing she would remember above all:

HopeAnn + Icecream = NOT FAIR.

Now granted that not much is fair in the world of a four year old, I mean, I know that. {wink} But I couldn't help but laugh silently as I heard Kennedy reminding HopeAnn this morning that today, today, today was her ice-cream party. I'm pretty sure she needed no reminding.

But at the end of her seemingly sweet reminder she threw in those chalkboard screeching words to my ears: It's. Not. Fair!

However aggravated my spirit got that the Kennyboo was once again stealing the joy from Hope's ice-cream party I had to stop and reflect because I too have stood in the "It's not fair" territory. As I'm sure many of you have as well.

Because here's what we as grown up girly's do....."Oh I'm so happy for you!"....five minutes later, in our car we are crying tears of; it's not fair. The neighbor next door spends less time weeding, tending and taking care of their flower bed than you do and yet they win: Yard of the Month. It's not fair. Five minutes later....we are plotting a way to guide said four-year-old with Barbie Jeep to take their Yard of the month sign out, by accident.

And friends, I have done this one more times than I am proud to say. Our husbands leave for work in their nice clean sippy cup exempt cars and go to work with grown ups and do things that seem to actually make a difference in this world, while we wrestle with the once again demon possessed washing machine and drive around in our rotten milk sippy cup smelling cars with no one but some radio dj to talk to. {and that was quite possibly the biggest run-on sentence I have ever written} It's not fair.

There's lot of things in our lives that seem to be not fair. And as trivial as some of these examples are, I know full and well there are many of you reading this who really have been dealt a card of life that is really not fair. So what do we do with those emotions and those feelings of....this is just not fair?

I wish I had some magic formula. But I don't. I do however have the sting of cringe in my soul from the way Kennedy treated her sister this morning. And I can't help but wonder if that's exactly how the Lord feels when we unknowingly attempt steal someone else's blessing with the cry of, "It's not fair."

However much I listened to Kennedy's pleas with anyone and everyone that would listen about how unfair her little life is, it makes me a bit sad. Because she's got a lot of things going for her that other's don't. But all to often she just needs a gentle reminder that there's a lot of good in her little life. And sometimes, that's all it takes.

I think having a good mental list in our Rolodex of emotions in our mid of all the things that is fair is a great place to start. Then, on those days where it seems like everyone and their brother {or sister} is against you and life will never pan out the way it's supposed to, we can quickly pull from that list.

It's fair that Jesus cares and forgives me not matter what. It's fair that I have food to eat and a warm bed to sleep in tonight. It's fair that God put people in my life to love me, support me and help me grow. It's fair that I have a car, with gas. It's fair that each day I have the opportunity to impact this world once person at a time. It's fair.

The more we set our minds on the things above and the things that are good, the better off we will truly be. I promise...it works. And it's completely fair. {smile}

"Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." -Colossians 3:2

You can do something.

2010-02-04T00:01:00.000-05:00

I love the ministry that God has allowed me to serve on! She Seeks is such a great place to hang out, get inspired and get connected as a 20-something woman. We are all about leading women to the cross of Christ through real-life truth.

Each Monday a new inspirational devotion is posted and each Thursday a new video blog is posted.

This week the She Seeks gals have been talking about speaking up for those who cannot speak for themselves. In an effort to put what they’ve been talking about into practice they are issuing the She Seeks SPEAK UP Challenge. For the next week each comment on this vlog post will result in one dollar being given to Compassion International’s Disaster Relief Fund for Haiti. To learn how you can participate click here: http://sheseeks.org/2010/she-seeks-speak-up-challenge/

So head over that way and check out this amazing opportunity for you to share some love with the people of Haiti for FREE. And no, you do NOT have to be 20-something to participate! :)

Be a blessing!

Makin Smiles Monday

2010-02-01T08:04:00.004-05:00

Sometimes as a mom I feel like I do a lot more frowning than I do smiling. Not that it's intentional that Kennedy spills her water everywhere, or Hope wipes her hands on her shirt after putting glitter glue on her hands or that Taylor will ask some question that requires me looking something up on google because she has proved more than once that I am not smarter than a fourth grader! {side-note...what did our momma's do without google? have mercy!}

When they were little-little, that was my goal, all day...to make them smile. And it was easy because all it required was an up most annoying voice, a little bear and a tickle, tickle, tickle. They just sat in their little bouncy seats with their toothless grins and no matter what I did...I was the funniest thing they had ever seen!

Such things don't work anymore. {wink}

Now...they have to see their momma doing something like this to even THINK she is funny:

But when they saw this, running smack dab into a tree? Oh ya, that was funny.

Or hearing their little sister squeal in delight. Rather than squeal in anger! That made everyone smile.

But this....The Snow Blob. It made ME smile. This is how we role in the south. Not snow men, snow blobs.

I'm determined to have more smiles than frowns in our lives. Smiles are good for the soul. So what made you smile this weekend? Make me smile...It's Monday.

The cycle of defeat.

2010-01-29T07:37:00.003-05:00

A few days ago I was chatting to a friend on the phone. I have noticed a pattern in my friend's life, she seems to go through a massive amount of the roller coaster of defeat, a lot. She prays for something, she's challenged by something and then she's defeated before victory has even had the chance to arrive.

It's a cycle. Over and Over and Over.

But, I've also noticed that this seems to be true in many women's lives...including my own.

Last night I was in the midst of preparing for a speaking event coming up. While I am very excited about this event, I have to be totally honest for a second. I prayed for opportunities to come, the opportunity came and I haven't even fulfilled the opportunity and I feel...defeated.

How can you even feel defeated without even attempting something?

The desire to serve God is definitely there but the passion for this particular situation has not come. And sometimes I think if there's no passion...then how can we fulfill the desire of God's heart in this situation.

Perhaps I should explain that this event is something that is a way stretch for me. Something that makes me shake in my pants because I am so terrified. Not because it's some huge opportunity or anything that brings me any kind of glory...hear me say that. But because it's such a raw place in my soul that sometimes I cry just thinking about going back to that place. There's no desire to uproot those painful experiences that I went through.

So I posed a question to God last night and my facebook friends. {wink} I asked this question: Can He fill us with a passion for something we have no desire for? Or does God make us passionate about the things we desire?

I received a lot of great comments and appreciated every one's insight. One of which I'd like to share with you:

I think God's desire for us is much more about personal holiness instead of really specific "to-do's." He is far less worried about the job we do for Him and much more worried about who we become by getting to know Him. The rest seems to fall in place. I have stopped saying, "God,I want to do this" or "God, let me do this" and have started saying, "God I will serve you no matter where I land or where circumstances take me." Then we release the control over just where that might be. Our ideas would pale in comparison to what He has in mind, anyway.

This morning I crawled into the Father's arms and opened up the living word. And He spoke those very same words from my friend who wrote them in a modern day way. I was reading in the book of Luke through a passage of scripture I've read a million times. Luke 13, The Narrow Door.

Typically we use this passage of scripture to share with an un-believer how hard it is to know and accept the truth of God. But today it spoke to me in a whole new way.

"Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, I tell you will try to enter and not be able to." (v24)

Loyalty. What will we do with the narrow doors that come our way in this life of ours?

My footnotes said something that really struck me: There were only a few followers that were loyal.

It would be super easy to write this event off as just something I'm not passionate about. I think a lot of Christians use that line. In fact, with my phone call with my friend that day I heard that same tone, "I'm just over this."

But God doesn't call us to be "over" anything that He challenges us in this life with. He doesn't call us to be quitters, He calls us to be perseveres. So take heart today and know that thing that makes you and I shake in your pants and you have no desire for, is probably the area that God needs to use us the most in right now.

Be one of the few. The loyal. The passion to be obedient will see us through to the desire of what door He has set before us.

The desire for less.

2010-01-27T07:27:00.004-05:00

A few weeks ago I found myself in quite a tizzy. Life has been moving at a warping speed here lately and I have been forgetful, stressed and even a little edgy because it seems like no matter what I do, I just can't keep up!

The laundry never stops, the homework never ends, the fights between these girls are getting louder and more intense and more and more often a girly stops to ask me a tough question. Harder than the, "Mommy why is the sky blue?" type questions.

We seem to always need more milk, more bread and more cereal. There is always one more phone call to return, one more e-mail to respond to and one more errand to run. Always.

More, More, More.

And for probably the first time in my life my heart is filled with a pure desire for less.

Because I've realized now that I am nine years into this motherhood thing that the more there is to do, the more little people running through the house, the more places to go the less time there is for my God.

Sometimes I think we think that when we are busy for God that we are on the right track. I don't think we could be more wrong in this type of thinking. In fact I would dare to say that believing such a mis-shaped truth can only lead to failure in our walks with Christ.

Taylor, my oldest is such a perfectionist. And she sets such high goals and expectations for her life. I love that she is so ambitious but I'm afraid that she's going to miss out on the simple things of life because she's reaching for the extraordinary so often. Taylor gets things done, that is for sure though.

Kennedy my youngest is the same way. She's just got that high drive to be first, the best and to succeed in EVERYTHING she does. Whether it's learning to roller skate or painting her nails perfectly, she won't stop until it's just right. Kennedy is just perfected drama, there is no other way to describe her. {wink}

But my middle girly Hope, for some reason she has discovered this absolute truth of ,"less is more" in her short lived life of 7 years. She is the one who takes the time to leave me a note on my pillow that just says, "Good-night". Hope is the only one who will just randomly come up and give me a hug or say, "I love you."

Sure she too holds a wee bit of drama in her soul, but what girl on this earth doesn't? Her many art projects for people often get under my skin with all the spread of paper and glue and glitter...have mercy for the glitter....but I realize that is her way to show the world that she cares.

The other day I was in the midst of a day where everything seemed to need "more" attention. I was frustrated, stressed and just tired when I heard a ding on my computer which meant I had a new e-mail. So, I walked over to the computer expecting it to be something "more" I needed to respond to, but it wasn't.

In fact it was an e-mail from Hope's teacher that simply said: :) . Yes, a smiley face. Well, then I noticed that there was a file attached so I began to open it expecting it to be some message about how I forgot to pay this or how this book is overdue.

But instead, up on my computer screen popped up this beautiful picture that Hope made in computer lab that day:

And at that moment, it was as if God stepped inside of my home and pulled my eyes to that picture and said, "Love a little more simple today. Love the sunshine that I gave you. Love the cool air and the flowers. And enjoy the peace that comes with the desire for less. Quit making life so complicated and just make it simple."

Tears flooded me and I shut that computer down, walked away from the laundry, left the toys on the floor and took Kennyboo to the park. And I didn't even bring my cell phone! We just enjoyed, simple life. And it felt good!

I am challenged to desire less more and more. And I am challenged to love simply. Not everything we do in life has to be an over the top experience. It's the simple things that we should enjoy the most. And I'm thankful for the simple seven year old girl who has taught me this lesson.

Be blessed my friends, less is more.

Cupcakes and Snakes.

2010-01-21T07:21:00.003-05:00

So I haven't been to vocal about this subject on this here blog, but I have been attempting to lose some major weight since the first of the year. I picked up running again, cut out pretty much all soda and have been eating a lot of "super foods". I like that word...super food. Kinda makes me feel like "super woman". :)

For the first couple of weeks, I actually gained two pounds. And to say I was devastated wouldn't begin to describe the laying on the floor in the closet, curled up into a fetal position, screaming my head off frustration that I felt. Ahem. Not that I did such things...but you know some people who are disappointed COULD do something like. Possibly. {wink}

Well, at last some results starting coming in last week. And I have lost about 10 pounds as of today. I've got a ways to go still and it's been a rough journey some days. But I couldn't not tell you this story I'm about to tell you. Because it's one of those moments you just never forget. NEVER.

As you saw from the previous post a certain boo had a birthday this week. And with birthdays come things like...cupcakes. And the cupcakes? They are not so good for the weight loss. But I allowed myself to have one the other day because, you can't just never eat cupcakes again. I'm pretty sure it's against the law.

So yesterday the boo and I were home most of the day together. We were cleaning, playing and just doing our normal thing. Well, then lunch time rolled around. And I was h-u-n-g-r-y. Sure enough upon opening the fridge I noticed that there were quite a few cupcakes in there.

Bad news.

The boo wanted a cupcake and had eaten most of her lunch so I allowed her to have one. And as I opened up that package the wonderful smell floated to my hungry taste buds. The frosting looked like a big fluffy cloud that needed a finger swiping through it. It did. And I swear those cupcakes said, "EAT ME". I'm sure of it.

As I stood there telling myself the cupcake was not worth it and I MUST put it away the boo suddenly started giggling at me. It's not unusual for her to do such things, so I didn't think much about it until I heard her go, "SSSSSSS".

I popped her a quick "huh?" kinda look and she spurted out: "Ha ha, der's a snake on your head!"

Not getting it at first I just looked at her and said, "Stop being so silly." And I went back to the great debate in my head of whether or not to eat the cupcake.

About thirty seconds later she did it again! "Ssssss....der's a snake on your head!"

And at that moment I stopped. I got it. I was faced with a huge temptation and here was my four year old "imagining" snakes on my head. You better believe those cupcakes got flung back into the refrigerator faster than I could blink!

A little weirded out? Um...yes.

I couldn't help but think of Eve in the garden of Eden through this situation. And how very real that temptation was in her life that day. A snake successfully led her into temptation through a food. And I don't think the devil has stopped working on women and food.

It's a real battle. But one that we can overcome!

Scripture tells us that the way to overcome is by rebuking our temptation with God's word. It's like giving it a big "take that". :)

For me the biggest passage of scripture I am saying aloud right now is
Matthew 4:4: "It is written, Man does not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God." Because those are the very words that Jesus said to the enemy in the desert after fasting for forty days.

So while this story may weird some of you out I had to tell it. Because it made me realize that this battle is so real. I don't think I'll EVER forget that moment and how I felt. But I am thankful that God gave me eyes to see what was so in those trying moments.

What about you? What are some scriptures that you pray aloud? How do you overcome temptation of all kinds in your life? Please share with me because I'd love to hear it! :)

And then...she 3 turned four. ;)

2010-01-19T00:01:00.001-05:00

I can't believe the baby is four. FOUR y'all. Oh my and how this could turn into one sappy post about the growing up and no more babies to hold and blah blah blah...I shall not go there!(sniff)

Instead, I thought it would be fun for you to hear from the boo today. Since you hear about her quite a bit. {wink} She's short, she's sweet and she's right to the point. So she won't waste your time today. {smiles}

So without further ado may I present the boo and her very first Vlog!

Happy Birthday Kennedy!

Praying like a Juggernaut.

2010-01-18T00:01:00.000-05:00

So as you can see this blog has been a wee bit neglected last week. Life just took over and I don't know were I left my head, my pillow or my blog entry's. ;)

But Monday, you fail me not and have arrived right on schedule.

It's another crazy week. But I'm thinking crazy is the new normal. Therefore, I love it.

I have SO much that I want to blog about today but I have this enormous burden to share with you an incredible message I heard this weekend at our church. We as a church are reading through the New Testament in 30 days. Yes, 30 days. It's been quite a challenge but both Kris and I made it through week one. I am so proud of Kris and his efforts...reading is not his favorite thing. :) God is really doing neat things in his life and I love seeing him getting fired up for Jesus.

It's amazing when everyone comes together to do the same thing, there just seems to be a high spirit of praise in the sanctuary. It was powerful. And the sermon? Wow...so awesome!

Have you ever heard of a Juggernaut? Me either. I sure did have to come home and ask Mr.Googleman what is such a thing after church. And WOW...have I been missing out on such a word. Listen to this amazing definition:

"A massive inexorable force that seems to crush everything in its way"

So the title of this week's sermon was right on: "Pray like a Juggernaut". Based on Acts 4:23-41.

Here was Pastor Steven's 10 ways to climb through this hike to being a Juggernaut. :) Oh how I love that word!

1. Prayer is your highest appeal not your last resort. {Amen to that. Prayer should be the first place we go, not the last}

2. When we seek the Lord together it multiplies our power. { "Again I say to you, that if two of you agree on earth about anything that they may ask, it shall be done for them by My Father who is in heaven." Matt 18:19(NAS)}

3. Prayer is a conversation in the courts of a King. {Pastor Furtick talked about a time where someone he was praying with started the conversation with God as "Dude". When we pray we need to remember WHO we are talking to. God is not our bestie or our "bro". He is our GOD, our KING and our SOVEREIGN LORD. We should enter His presence with HIGH respect}

4. Build your prayer on the solid foundation of God's sovereignty.

5. Whatever you do, don't build your case before God on what you deserve. {So many times we come into God's presence telling Him WHY we need this or WHY we want this to happen.}

6. Build your case on God's agenda, not your own.

7. Remind God of what He has done for others and what He has promised to do for you. {Not because God needs a reminder...but because it builds your faith in Him! Pray HIS word.}

8. Don't always pray for God to make things better, pray for Him to make you bolder.

9. Expect God to move in response to your prayer. {But don't just sit and wait for it to drop from the sky.}

10. If you are going to ask be prepared to Act.

I have to tell you that I struggle with prayer. I do. Praying for others seems easy but I often don't know how to pray for myself. I'm such a big "Let God move" person and I'm not one to ever push open doors. But lately I have found myself on my knees so much. Where I need to be for sure. But sometimes I wish God didn't have to be so extreme for me to hear Him. Obviously my problem, not His. {wink}

The Lord is leading me in such a direction that I have never thought He would lead. And not one that I'm totally crazy about either. But I would rather have my feet firm upon His leading than stuck in a mess of my own doing. He's said a lot of "No's" lately and opened doors that I never even asked to be opened. And it's come with a lot of refinement...a lot.

So prayer is the preparation for His plan this much I know. And I want to be so in check with His voice and His words that when He says, "Jump" I say, "How High?" :). Complete surrender to the King often means giving up a lot of things, relationships and thoughts. But I can really say I would not trade it for anything or anyone.

Have an awesome week y'all. Come back tomorrow for a special Boo-Only Post. Someone is turning FOUR! :) Fun times.

When Success meets Failure.

2010-01-11T07:15:00.002-05:00

The other day I was thinking about something. I think a lot of us base success on other people's perceptions of success.

For example: A person loses 30 pds, we think we should lose 30 pds. Or someone does something outstanding we think we can do that same thing outstanding.

There's a lot of competition out there. I don't like that word, I don't like that thought.

Lately, I have come across a lot of people who are trying to be someone they are not. Reason? Success. They think that because another person has done A,B and C that they too must to A,B and C.

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with being inspired by someone or gaining wisdom from someones success! But I am seeing a lot of people meet failure in their lives because they are moving towards someone else's perception of success. What's successful for one may not be successful for another.

What if we miss what we are supposed to do because we are so busy trying to be someone else?

Jesus did an excellent job describing this in the book of Matthew chapter 18. The disciples were questioning Jesus about who is the greatest in heaven. And I actually believe that this is lived out every day in the hearts of women.

"God, please tell me I am better than her." Or "I know that I am more gifted than her in that area." And maybe even there are thoughts of, "Well I have been through this, therefore I am more qualified than her."

When our perception becomes confidence in just being who God created us to be then I believe that is success. The Lord is continually molding each of us to become who He wants us to be and may that process never end.

Refinement is a humbling process. It is. But you know what? I'd rather be humbled to be who God wants me to be rather than being humbled because I have failed at trying to be someone else.

Ladies, trust that God has amazing things for your life! But perception of amazing is something that only God can give you. I think it's amazing when a Momma loves her kids without fail. Or a husband becomes the man that you've always prayed for him to be. And even when you have the ability to change just ONE other person's life because of your obedience to God.

It's not about the masses.

It's about one. The One and the one and only...you.

He is enthralled with you. He is in awe of you. He created you to be something beautiful. {Psalm 45:11}

So as Sesame Street leaves embedded in my boo, the number of the day....so I leave with you the same.

One God + One You = One amazing plan

Trust it. Believe it and live to tell about it.

He's at it again.

2010-01-08T07:29:00.006-05:00

Hi friends. Sorry the blog is a little slack this week. But I am here today. :)

Life has been busy! I like busy but finding balance sometimes is difficult. I'm sure you understand that.

This week I had my first "overnight" speaking engagement. :) It was in Pinehurst, NC where I was able to speak for two different groups. I ended up having to stay at a hotel because my friend that I was supposed to stay with got sick and mom has chemo next week and I get to take her. So I wanted to be careful.

Let me just say...I love to be frugal and find the deal of day for sure. But...perhaps finding the cheapest hotel possible isn't the greatest idea. Mental note to self: You get what you pay for. I probably should have spent the extra $10 for the one star up place.

I am just frugal...you know? :)

But I had the best time with all those awesome ladies in Pinehurst and hope to come back one day. It's always so much fun to meet new people and share tips, ideas and most importantly God's love even if it's with the grocery bill. He's in everything! Even that.

As I drove back home that afternoon I had some sweet time to just talk to Jesus. Things have been crazy around our house lately. You know one things breaks and then everything else decides it's time to break too. I swear objects co-ordinate themselves to break at the same time. {wink}

And for some reason when things start to break men get so tense. Why is that? Don't they LIKE to fix things? {smile} Anyway. I would normally get into quite a tizzy about all this financial mess but you know what? I'm ok.

I love to watch God show off even in our finances. And guess what? He's at it again.

The world crowns success but God crowns faithfulness.

Be faithful to Him and He will not leave you nor forsake you. He may be the 11th hour God to you like He is to me (sometimes I wish He would move it up to like the 9th hour) but He is in control. Of everything.

So knock my socks off today.....tell me how God has been faithful to you this week? Was there a provision? A blessing? An unexpected door opened? We are so good about sharing all the bad that we have going on but I want to hear your good.

Here's one of mine:

$160 worth of groceries for $33! YES, I pray for my grocery bill. And Yes, I give God all the glory when He shows off in a way like this. It took some faithfulness on my part and time, but God is still in control.

Love you bunches. Have a blessed rest of this week and I'll see you on Monday. :)

No Title Required. ;)

2010-01-07T07:15:00.001-05:00

Hey Friends!

I'm over here (click here). Please pop over watch the very short vlog! :) And leave a comment to let me know what your motto for Twenty Ten is!

See you tomorrow with a new post. God's done some cool things, can't wait to share!

Much love,
Nicki

The year that matters.

2010-01-04T05:40:00.003-05:00

It's early.

But that's ok because it's also quiet. I had gotten up early this am to head out for my new 5am run but because it's just a wee bit chilly out {just a wee bit}...so such things have not happened.

I can hardly believe it's the first Monday of 2010. In just a few moments I will get my sleepy girls out of bed, get them dressed and head them to school. The chaotic week will begin after that and quite frankly I'm happy with these moments alone with Jesus right now.

I'm just going to be honest for a moment. I haven't had the best weekend. Opposition has seemed very strong since New Year's Eve over several areas of my life and I haven't quite been able to put my finger on it.

And sometimes we don't put our finger on it...you know?

But I've found myself in the book of Matthew today. Accepting a challenge from our church to read through the New Testament in 30 days. I'm excited to embrace this challenge but also know that when we step further out in faith opposition is going to be stronger.

Sometimes it makes you wonder if it's worth it.

One verse has struck me hard today. In Matthew Chapter 5:6: "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled."

I think it's really easy to sit behind a computer and fill up a screen with a bunch of words, thoughts and desires. And to do nothing more with those emotions than to write words. But when I read the word "righteousness" I was struck by two things.

1. Righteousness is a shield
2. Righteousness brings deliverance

For sometime in my life I was convinced that the word righteousness was something of self. Like a divine right to act a certain "godly" way. I was so wrong. Righteousness is the one most amazing attribute of our God and one that is probably the most difficult to live out daily. Impossible for you and I to fulfill on our own strength.

It's easy to go through daily doses of life thinking, "This doesn't matter." But it does. It all matters. Every step. Every trial. Every ounce of opposition. It all matters.

2010 is the year that matters.

Seek His righteousness in everything today. In every step, In every moment. Because when you seek righteousness even the mundane situations...they matter. It all matters.

Be blessed my friend. Be strong. Be a pursuer of righteousness in your life.

It matters.

The hope for 2009

2009-12-31T08:27:00.002-05:00

So here it is! The last day of 2009. Wow.

I used to be really big on New Year's Resolutions but I've come to realize that they are nothing more than an excuse to wait to change something. And we also set our expectations WAY to high with that long list. But just out of curiosity...do you have a resolution? Do you do that? If so please share, I'd love to hear! :)

Instead of a list of resolutions, I have list of HOPE for this year. 2009 has been QUITE a ride and I'm hopeful for a calmer year but we all know that's not going to happen. {wink}

One of my favorite bible verse is Proverbs 13:12 and it says: "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."
So here is what I HOPE for 2010:

*My mom to be totally healed from Cancer, treatment to be complete and our trip to celebrate her recovery!

*My brother's little boy Asher to continue to be healed and for my brother to be healed from somethings he is now going through.

*To not move again. Lord Jesus PLEASE don't move us again. :)

*For Kris's new job to remain stable and steady.

*That each of the girls would continue to grow in the Lord and thrive in their school.

*That I would be a mom that helps them to grow in the Lord daily.

*A little thing called a contract on a book deal...that would be awesome! {BTW, quick update on all that mess. I heard back from one publisher...they gave some tough feedback and I'm working through that. I also am still working with the agent I met with through another agent at She Speaks this summer. This is a LONG process. So hang on...2010 is gonna be the year! I hope.}

*That our new church would feel more and more like home and that the Lord would lead us to where we need to be as far as serving.

We are kicking off the New Year with some friends tonight and then with Kris's family tomorrow for lunch. January is going to be busy with several speaking engagements which I'm very excited about. Praying that God will continue to bring more and lead me on the path that He wants me to go for ministry and life!

So I'm excited about 2010 and I hope and pray you are too! Thanks for sticking around with life through me and for the encouragement and HOPE :) you bring to me through this blog. I love you all and know God's got big things for your life in 2010and I can't wait to see what He does!

Happy New Year!

The story of a chair.

2009-12-30T07:00:00.001-05:00

The other day I woke up with some massive heart issues. No, not the kind that requires a rush to the ER or an appointment to see a Cardiologist. And not even the kind where you could call up your best friend to just vent for a few minutes. It was worse.

Much worse.

Something had been eating me up for days. I found out something wasn't the way I thought it was and it just created a whole spool of thread that the devil delicately wove into a tricky sin pattern. It was as though a covering of darkness had been placed on my life and I didn't know what to do. Typically, I flee from all evil. It's what we naturally want to do.

However, this was not a situation that was so black and white nor that I could instantly run from. Why? Because there was good woven between the evil. And it was one of the most confusing situations I have ever been in. So for days I spent time in God's word battling this fight within my soul of what seemed to be good vs. evil. But nothing seemed to work.

I was fighting a fight I couldn't win.

One particular morning I was wrestling deeply with it. Claiming scripture but then falling back into the deep pit of despair again. Frustrated with this overwhelming burden I told God that this just seemed impossible to overcome and I just didn't know what to do anymore.

That same morning, I got an e-mail from a friend. A friend I hadn't heard from in quite awhile and knew nothing about what was going on. I went ahead and copied the e-mail straight from my in-box so you could read it word for word:

Girl I don't know what u may be going through but about 20 mins ago God laid u on my heart to pray 4 u. the holy spirit led me to pray for this Burden u r feeling to release it. Then a vision of a heavy blanket-like was laying on top of ur whole body and it represented this burden. And then it was lifted straight up in the air away from your body just like God wants to take this burden away from you!You know I'm not crazy girl:). Love u!

For the record, my friend is not crazy. She has a gift I believe...there have been many times where she has sent me words like this to me and even to other's and has been right on. Her heart of discernment is something like I have never seen.

As I read her words I immediately went to my prayer closet and I felt like He whispered to me, "Not only do I want to lift this burden from you but I want to bless you too. You just have to trust me."

It felt instantaneous. And every time those thoughts trickled into my mind the rest of the day I pleaded that picture of Him lifting the burden away.

I felt so good that I felt I could take on anything! Well, almost anything. {wink}

That afternoon I had drug my girls from store to store, to store to store. I was in search of some very specific things on a shoestring budget. We were blessed with a little Christmas money and Kris gave it over to me to do some decorating. The biggest thing I was in search of was a chair for our living room.

The girls were groaning to please go home so I started to make my way back. I was quite happy with my finds for the day but a little disappointed in not finding a chair in our budget. But suddenly I felt like I should go to one more store. It was on the way home and I agreed to buy the girls a book so they piped up a little with excitement.

Taylor, my oldest said, "Mommy, I just don't think your going to find your chair today. Maybe it's just not supposed to be."

I could have agreed with her but then I remembered my friend's e-mail and how much her prophetic words meant to me. And I said boldly to Taylor, "We are gonna find that chair."

She rolled her eyes and uneasily said, "OOOOOOOOKKKKK."

As we pulled into the parking lot my heart began to flutter with excitement as it does when I am bargain shopping. {wink} I got all the girls out of the car, stuck my keys in my purse and opened the doors into the store. The girls quickly ran under me over to the book section to pick out their reward for momma's insanity.

I didn't see it right away. A few other things caught my eye and I seemed to lose focus for a moment.

And then...I turned my head and there sat near the window a beautiful red and cream gingham check chair. EXACTLY what I had been looking for. Quickly I rushed over to see the price and I noticed that the tag that would tell me it was still for sale was gone. No!

Disappointment flooded my body but something told me to take one more look. I looked again and into the crease of the back of the chair and the seat of the chair I noticed something was sticking out. THE TAG! I thought it was a mistake when I read $29 and quickly asked the store clerk if it was sold and if that price was correct. He told me no it was not sold and if I wanted it, it was mine!

I could have cried right there in the store!

Taylor, who was so involved with her book search heard my squeal's of delight and glanced over at me with a big smile upon her face. She simply pointed her finger up to the sky and nodded her head and gave me a big 'ol wink.

Had my friend not been obedient and said those words to me that morning and carried my burden to God's feet, I might not have been set free and evil could have prevailed. But because she did I got to carry into my home...the blessing instead of the burden.

"Stoop down and reach out to those who are oppressed. Share their burdens, and so complete Christ's law." -Galatians 6:2 (MSG)

The Chair:

The chair has a name: The blessing rather than the burden chair. May it always remind me that God wants to carry the burden and He doesn't ask me to.

So I wonder today if there's someone you and I need to carry the burden for to God's feet?

It's easy to forget how powerful our prayers and words of encouragement can be to someone. We think we aren't discerning right or that they may think we are silly. Please don't believe that lie. I know who I need to pray for and who I need to send some encouragement to. And may she experience the same freedom that I did through this experience.

Nothing is impossible with God.

Christmas 2009

2009-12-28T14:28:00.005-05:00

Sorry I've been a little MIA on this blog. Christmas came in and swept me off my feet and seemed to take over life for an entire week. But a great week it was!

First, my apologies to the Koziarz side of our family. Apparently I forgot I had a camera for the festivities with them. But we spent Christmas Eve Day with them at our house and it was fun. Except for the fact that I almost killed Kris's 96 year old grandfather...ahem. But, that's another post. Let's just say there will be no more steak eating in our house when we have them over.

Then my mom and dad came into town to spend Christmas with us. Mom had just finished up Chemo so she was feeling a little yuck but she was a trooper! Dad came with us as we headed to our Church's Uptown Christmas. It was amazing! Click here if you'd like to see some of it.

Then we came home and put the girls to bed and got ready for the fun. Here's a picture of Kris. Boy it's ROUGH being Santa. :)

Christmas morning was full of excitement as the girl's ran down to see if Santa had come! They were thrilled. But they couldn't open a thing until we read the Christmas story. We also do open one present at a time in our house so you can imagine the amount of time it took to open everything. HOURS. :) We paused for breakfast after the stockings.

I really didn't take good pictures this year...I think was just soaking it all in. But here are a few:

HopeAnn and her gift from Santa....a guitar!

The Boo opening her MUCH anticipated Baby Alive! Have mercy for the Baby Alive too. Holy cow...she might get herself an entire blog post filled with the drama she has brought to this here house of ours.

This is my mom opening a gift from a friend of mine. She has been blown away at the support from those she doesn't even know! Please take note of the bow on her head. I will blame it on the chemo.....ha!! :)

This was a sweet moment...minus the boo and her annoyance of the remote control car. Taylor really wants a little girl from Kenya to come and live with us. BUT...it's just not in the plan right now. So my mom did the next best thing and made her a Compassion child sponsor for a girl named Christine in Kenya! Taylor is so excited she could bust!!

And Taylor got her Nintendo ds finally!

This toy won the award for the most annoying. Even more than Baby Alive! This darn thing flies around my feet all day long. It doesn't take much for me to take it away either. :) ha!!

We had a great Christmas and are looking foreword to 2010! Hope you had a great Christmas too! :)

The hardest person to decide for.

2009-12-22T08:17:00.002-05:00

I love Christmas, I really do! I love to think deeply about other's and I spend hours searching high and low for the perfect gift. Granted alot of those gifts end up as gift cards, which I'm not crazy about giving, but sometimes there is no perfect gift for someone. {wink}

As crazy as this sounds, I actually enjoy years like this one, where funds are low. It really makes me think outside of the box and figure out creative ways to give. It makes it simple to say no to girls with crazy desires like laptops.....mercy. But hard to say no to such tender hearts that ask for a new sister from Kenya. {sweetness}

So as of this moment everyone on my list is all bought for. The gifts are secretly hidden {isn't that the hardest part? hiding them?} and the Christmas Eve meal has been planned. Boxes have been shipped to loved ones across this nation. Christmas programs x3 have been faithfully attended and parties were lovingly planned to light up eyes and spread some cheer. The house is as decorated as it's gonna get this year and I believe I can say, I'm ready.

Except for one thing.

The most important thing of all.

Each year I decide in my heart of the gift I want to bring Jesus this year. Last year it was my faithfulness to attempt writing and presenting my first ever book proposal for Him. I prayed hard and He miraculously prepared a way. Years before it's been to read my bible more. To get more involved. Or to try to be more encouraging.

But this year, I felt as though a greater sacrifice needed to be made. And that's a hard decision to come to.

Life has gotten very busy as these girls get older. There is more laundry to do, more cleaning, more places to go, bigger bellies to fill and more problems to solve. Homework never ends, reading is always a challenge and someone always needs something.

And I find myself feeling quite out of balance many, many days.

Sometimes I feel as though Jesus gets my leftovers. And not just when it comes to reading His word. With everything in my life. My body, my soul, my acts of service....it's all....when I have time.

So I thought about giving Jesus more time for me to exercise. Or a deeper commitment to stop the busy day and spend time with Him. Or a plan to memorize insane amounts of scripture. I had a lot of great ideas.

But then I heard Him say something I didn't want to hear.

He said, Give me 5am.

Huh?

Yes, like you used to. 5am was our time, not 11pm or even 1am...5am.

I cringed at the thought. But then I realized that's exactly how I know it's what I'm supposed to do. As I have learned over this past year what God requires from us should never make us feel "comfortable". It should always feel like it's a sacrifice. And as silly as it may sound to you but giving up those late nights and getting up at the crack o dawn is really something sacrificial in my life right now.

So Jesus.....here is my gift to you:

5am.

You take and use that hour however you wish. To speak fresh words into my soul. To run beside me out in the freezing cold. Or to simply bring me to my knees for people in my life. Whatever you want to do with that hour each and every morning. It's yours. And I can't wait to see what you do with that time! :)

So bloggy friends......what are you giving Jesus this year? Have you decided yet? Have you thought about it yet? If so I'd love to hear what it is. If not, there's still time. {wink} It's not Christmas day yet.

I have to write this post.

2009-12-20T07:36:00.003-05:00

I think sometimes you know you are a writer when your bones ache for something to be written. When you toss and turn through the night with how you can make your words flow out right and connect through the weave of emotions that you are experiencing...signs of a writer, for sure.

I have pushed this post off way to long.

But God.

I have not wanted to write this. Because I know it may stir the pot in some lives. And my up most goal in life is to never stir hearts to controversy but only to stire hearts to Jesus.

You have heard me say many times on this blog that we have been searching for almost five months now for a new church home. Five, L-O-N-G months. Five months of tiresomely being guest after guest. Five months of the groans of my girls, "Can't we just make a choice." Five months of prayer and petition to Christ to reveal His plan to us. Five months of feeling disconnected, lost and without a solid place to rest.

Five months.

Never did I dream it would take that long. I had a list. I had a plan. I knew where God was going to lead us. And I...was completely wrong.

But God.

A traditional girl at heart, these "modern" church's made me feel a little uneasy. After all, Sunday mornings in our lives have always included chaos to find matching black patent leather shoes, carefully made bows and the perfect dress for all three of our girls. We would scoot out the door just in the nick of time, toss everyone into their Sunday school classes and somehow try to connect with God. In a pretty sanctuary. In a beautiful church. In a one-stop central for the needs of our family.

Why would we ever want anything else?

But God.

A few weeks ago God confirmed where He was sending us. But...I, not my husband, I fought Him. Because it didn't fit the mold of what I was looking for. I wasn't sure my gifts would ever be able to be used in a church like this one. And my girls? There was practically nothing for them other than Sunday's. So why would we ever want to go there?

To top things off, a lot of people in my circle of friends...they didn't have great things to say about this church: "It feels like a rock-concert, not church." {True} "They don't have any solid teaching going on there." {False} "There's no kids programs."{False} "That Pastor curses in the pulpit."{False False False} "They are like a cult."{False} "It's to loud."{True}

I think...I have heard it all.

But God.

This girl with a very traditional heart for God....has feared the relevance that this church offers. Is it necessary? Is it helpful? Is it really how God wants church done?

But since our girls have been out of their private Christian school and we have left our very traditional church, the Lord has been revealing a word to me..."Community." There's an entire WORLD out there past the church walls. A world filled with people, nice people, who are doing great things for this world around us!

As I look around the seats that fill this very modern sanctuary some have wild hair, some are old, some are young, some are rich, some are poor, some are popular, some are unknown and some are just different.

I like them.

And let me just go ahead and say this. It's not that I don't like the people at our old church...at all. I love them and I refuse to bring Satan any more glory as to the reasoning behind our decision to leave. God was clear. It was no person, no persuasion, no single act of anything....God. Was. Clear.

So, I do not judge you for your reasons to stay...so do not judge us for our reasons to leave. There have been those that have been very clear as to whose side of line you stand on, but let me be clear...I have not drawn a line. Nor will I ever. As far as I am concerned, we are all in this together. God's Kingdom, not my Kingdom or your Kingdom.

I miss it. I miss our Sunday school class. My bible study friends. The girl's friends. But obedience has to exceed desire. My fleshly desire would be to stay put in one place for the rest of our lives.

But God.

I was talking to a new friend of mine the other day on the phone. She was asking me about this church we have been visiting. She had very real questions to ask, ones that I was very willing to answer. And at the end of the conversation she said, "Maybe we should just try it out." I replied to her that she shouldn't. After all, she was very happy in her church home. She had felt God lead her there and their family was very comfortable where they were.

God has to call you to your church home.

And God doesn't just show up at one church every Sunday.

He will be clear when it's time to join, time to leave or time to just stay put.

But God.

Don't leave because it's what the crowd does. Don't join because it's what the crowd does. Don't go here or there because it's where your friends go. Don't judge because everyone else does. And I beg you...if you hear something that sounds way off...discover the truth for yourself.

As our new Pastor said at this week's service once again, "If they are gonna talk, let's give them something to talk about. But let's tell them what we are for, not what we are against."

So...

I am for Jesus being lifted higher and higher in this city, nation and world!

I am for Community. It expands the area for us to love, love and love some more!

I am for the Lord turning my world upside down in order to get us where we need to be!

I am for a God who won't allow me to stay put and stuck in my old ways!

I am for a family that will sacrifice what we've always known to become something more!

As much as I've wanted this week's to quickly pass and the Lord to show us where He wanted us, I wouldn't have traded this time for ANYTHING. I've been miserable, I've been lonely, I've been sad and I have even been angry as to why God would uproot my family like this. BUT GOD...has set me free, put JOY in my life again and allowed me to stand FIRM on His word and given me a new HOPE.

And this is our new church, a new thing but the SAME God:

ELEVATION CHURCH (click)

I am actually closing the comments on this post. Not because I don't care what you think or have to say but because I care so much more about what God thinks and says.

There is no such thing as a perfect church. But there is a perfect God and that is truly all that matters. And the phrase, "Home is where your heart is." Couldn't be more true. But may my heart never again only be in one place.

Truly.

The Boo's Christmas Wish For You.

2009-12-17T15:35:00.001-05:00

I've got something to say.

2009-12-15T19:57:00.002-05:00

For those of you who have read this blog for any amount of time might be a little taken back by this post. I am about to lay it A.L.L out.

I am tired of keeping silent, I am tired of the judgements, I am tired of my Jesus being used as a weapon {oh yes I did just say that}, I am tired of the wrong information being passed around and frankly...I am fed up with Christians.

Tonight I sat through a performance at my 4th grader's school. A "holiday" performance. Where apparently we are a Jewish public school because we sang all about Hanukkah. Oh...and we celebrate Kwanzaa too. But Jesus? Oh no, we don't celebrate Him. We don't mention Him and we don't speak of His birth. Why? Because we might "offend".

A school where I would dare say 50% of the people attend some type of Christian Church.

I am tired my friends. Tired of believers not standing up for what is right. I am sick to think that I got a little too comfortable with life in a "safe" Christian environment and forgot what a battle this world is. How dare I.

At this point in my child's life, I am responsible for their relationships with Christ.

It is MY responsibility to sit them down and say, "This is how you have a quiet time". It is MY responsibility to teach them what this world says verses the bible. It is MY responsibility to take them to church and to teach them to think outside of the judgemental lives that are filled in pews every Sunday. It is My responsibility to teach them the truths, the depths and the hopes that scripture brings. It is MY responsibility to flood their hearts with prayers. It is MY, MY, MY responsibility to STORM the gates of heaven every single day on their behalf.

Me. Not you. Not their Sunday school teacher. Not some program they attend. ME.

However angry I was after leaving that performance tonight, it only confirmed once more of why the Lord has placed us in this school, in this city and in this community. There are believers EVERYWHERE. But they are silent. They are quiet. They are simple. They don't want to cause any "offense".

I've had enough.

And do you know why I've become so passionate about this? Do you know why I am so filled with fury? Because I, I had it all taken away.

All the programs.
All the teachers.
All the "good curriculum".
All the prayer in school.
All the "It's all about Jesus".

It's all gone.

Every day, I send my kids to the "world". Every day. And to my surprise, this world is NOT filled with a bunch of Jesus haters. It's REALLY NOT. But it is filled with a TON of silent, don't want to offend type people. A LOT.

Every single school day, I drive my kids through a Carline and leave them at a door to a school that has no claim for Jesus.

And every day, every day, I pray with my girls, I read scriptures to them, I teach them to love this world, not be angry. Every day they are asked hard, tough questions about their own denial of Christ on a daily basis. I am not perfect but my eyes have been opened. THEIR eyes have been opened. And don't tell me at the age they are, they don't need to see that. Yes, they, do.

Commitment.
Perseverance.
Time.
Praise.
Saying the name of Jesus, over and over.

Tonight, in all my frustration, in all my anger and in all my heartache...the Lord has spoken the most tender words through my nine-year-old. Her very own prayer tonight was, "Jesus, I'm sorry that this world hates and is ashamed of you. But I love you and I will stand for you!"

And then, my seven-year-old and her precious ways. "Mommy, look, I'm studying the books of the bible so I can tell other's about them!"

Her proof:

My Father reminds me that the harvest is FULL but the workers are few....and these girls....they are workers for the Kingdom. There is no mistake in that. And I am right there with them...right there.

The Lord is calling you and I to speak out in bold, new ways my friends. We cannot be silent anymore. We have got to raise a generation filled with Esther's. We have to!

So here's what you and I can begin to do. Steps. Little things. That can go LONG distances.

If you see the words "Merry Christmas" on a store...sit down with your kids and send the store an e-mail thanking that store for their ability to recognize the word CHRISTmas.

If they don't know how to ask someone what they believe....tell them to start with "How do you celebrate Christmas?". Then when the question is reciprocated, you and they both have a wonderful way to share.

If you have a child under your wing...dear friend, do not let ONE day go by without praying with them, teaching them the truth of the bible and just telling them that Jesus loves them. Not ONE day.

If your child's school doesn't have a prayer group...start one! If your child's school does have a prayer group....get there. NO MATTER WHAT. Prayer is the only way through this battle. Even if you are the only warrior willing to step foreword and pray for your child's school...do it! I ALWAYS tell my girls, "It starts with ME."

If there's something going on at your child's school that you are not ok with...then speak a word! Someone's got to say it!

Whenever you have the chance to serve someone who does not believe that Jesus is their everything...do it. And do it in LOVE. LOVE. LOVE. Not anger. Not hate. Not pride. LOVE.

Write scriptures on your walls! Bind it in their hearts!Stick it in their backpacks and lunchboxes! Stand firm and be blessed when your baby girl says she wants to take her bible to school because it's a SHIELD! AMEN LORD!

My pastor says this, "It's not what we tell this world we are against, but it's more important that we tell it what we are for."

God is not a weapon. Do not use Him as one or teach Him to be used as one...please. The battle is strong, but He doesn't need us waving Him to and fro like a sword in medieval times. He's got this! We just have to WALK. KEEP WALKING through this.

Whew.

Ok, I think I've said all I needed to say.

THE END.

A very simple Christmas. ;)

2009-12-14T00:01:00.001-05:00

Happy Monday to you. If you are visiting from the She Seeks site devotion today, welcome! If you are visiting from Nester's Christmas Tour of Homes, welcome! If you are here to see who won the giveaway, welcome!

Ok first up.....drum roll please......the winners of the tickets to A Woman Inspired conference are: Angie! Rachel Young! AND....Susan! Congrats girls. I'll be in touch soon to let you know details. ;)

Next up! She Seeks. I am over here today. For those of you who don't know what She Seeks is please be sure to check it out. It's a site FILLED with encouragement, love and real truth for today's 20-something woman. Every Monday a new devotional is posted as well as a Video blog every Thursday. I am so blessed to be apart of this team and love what God is doing through this ministry, so jump over there and check out the devo I got to write this week under the "Find Truth" tab.

And last but not least: Nester's Tour of Homes

This year...it's a very simple Christmas. Money is TIGHT. You would think with not having our girls in a private school anymore that money wouldn't be so tight but unfortunately it's still tight. So, no real tree this year and no new decor {frowns}. BUT...it's a new house so everything looks different this year! {smiles}

So let's start with the family room. Here you see our humble tree. {wink} I know the quality of lights is very blah in these pictures but...it's a pretty blue angel on top, all white lights, sliver and gold balls {I like to mix it up} and crystal stems poking through.

And I'm not sure why this picture got posted here, but I have no idea how to move it to the bottom! SO...this the outside! The girls love it and Kris hopes to add to it more next year. So you'll have to come back and see. {smiles}

This is the foyer, again so sorry for the quality of pictures. Yuck. The letters on the bottom of the stairs say, "NOEL".

This is the kitchen table. Again.....simple! I love this piece and I really like to mix gold and silver...it may make some GASP, but I love it! :)

This is one of my new favorite areas of our house. I won the vinyl letters on this blog. It says our last name and weaved in between "Families are forever". It's really cool. And these are our dollar store stocking. Which I do hope to replace SOME DAY. {smile} But for now they work just fine.

And this is our manger scene. I have the bible open to the book of Luke Chapter 1 which the girls love to read. Kennyboo has had some issues understanding why we would want baby Jesus on the table and not fast asleep in her room. {wink} Gotta love her!

So that's it! Simple, Simple. Thanks for stopping by! Have a great Monday! :)

Exciting Giveaway!

2009-12-10T07:35:00.003-05:00

Ok, so I know you are on the edge of your seats waiting for this giveaway today! {Wink, ha ha}

I am so excited about it though I can hardly stand it! :)

I am speaking for the Woman Inspired Online Conference in January.

This conference is all about an efficient life. And can't we all use a little more efficiency in our worlds?! My topic is coupons and saving lot's of moolah on your grocery bill. If you have ever wondered how to get started and lot's of the in's and out's to couponing then you won't want to miss this event! PLUS, there are a ton of other amazing speakers/topics that you won't want to miss. And all in the comfort of you own home! You can get inspired in your pj's! WHOO HOO! :)

Check out this video to learn more about the conference:

So here's the thing. A Woman Inspired has given me FIVE tickets to give away! And what could be more fun than a little bloggy giveaway?! So all you have to do is go visit this website: A Woman Inspired Come back and leave your name and e-mail addy and I will enter you into the drawing. You can enter once a day! I will be giving away three tickets on Monday morning!

And here's another thing....if you link this post to your blog,facebook or twitter let me know in the comments and I will enter your name TWICE! :) This would make a fabulous Christmas present for you or someone you know so think about that too! You do not need a blog to enter this into the comments. You just have to leave it anonymously but make sure you leave your e-mail.

Ok so have fun, spread the word and I will see you Monday Morning! :)

Know who you are.

2009-12-08T07:25:00.002-05:00

One of the questions I ask all three of my girl's very frequently in this house is:

Whose are you?

To which at this point in this journey through the never-ending momma reflective questions, sometimes they will roll their little eyes in annoyance and say, "Jesus".

Typically this question is asked when they are teetering on the edge of disobedience through something. Whether it's smacking their sister upside her little blond head or trying to fool me about how much money I owe them, the moment the question is asked they tend to shape up.

It's an important question and one that I've had to ask myself lately. Because all to often I forget who I am serving, who I am listening for and who holds my life in their hands. I get busy with life and I tend to forget that my life is not my own. I think it's my own but it's not. When I surrendered to Christ, I gave Him my life and asked that He use me, mold me and make me the person He wanted me to be. So when I answer the question that I am a daughter of the most High, my life should reflect that.

This morning as I was reading my girls the first chapter of Luke to begin deeply discussing the Christmas story with them, there I saw once again a man that I can all to well identify with. Zechariah. He was a man who thought he knew who he was too, but unfortunately got caught up with his life too much.

Zechariah was an intense man of God. A priest, an upright man before God and lived his life blamelessly pure before the Father. He was a good guy. I'm sure he made mistakes and fell into sin at times but the bible describes him in such a way of excellence. When he is introduced in the first chapter of Luke, he is doing something very holy, very pure and something he did all the time...praying and worshiping at the temple.

When the Lord seemed to throw him a curve ball that day and had the angel Gabriel appear, Zechariah forgot for a moment who he was and whose he was. Fear and doubt took over and an incredibly harsh result was given. As this angel shared with him that his wife, Elizabeth who was past the age of barring children, would give birth to a son to be named, John. Zechariah didn't believe and he was therefore silenced by the angel until the time of the baby to be born.

Silenced. For nine months. Can you imagine?

I'm thinking for a certain three-year-old boo in this house that silence for nine months might not be such a bad thing. {wink} But for a man of God like Zechariah? Wow. That's a really big deal. I bet people thought he was crazy or had lost his mind.

But actually, the silence is a great lesson for you and I to gain at any point in our lives.

When doubt pops in....be silent.
When chaos strikes....be silent.
When fear grips our hands....be silent.
When anger boils up...be silent.
When frustration takes over...be silent.

There is a time to speak but I can feel very confident to say that it doesn't come until after a time of silence. Just look at the way things turned out for Zechariah. After his time of long silence his heart was filled with a beautiful song. A song filled with words like: Raised, Redeemed, Enable, Holiness, Righteousness, Peace and Guidance. {see Luke 1:67-79}

So when struggling to remember who I am and whose I am, may I reflectively remember this painful lesson of silence. And although it seems to go against every ounce of my fleshly needs to not speak, there is great wisdom gained through containing my tongue. And when the words flow out again they will be filled with things of God, not things of myself.

A great lesson in life to be learned through...silence.

Much love in Him,
Nicki

ps-come back Thursday for details for a giveaway, still trying to figure it all out. ;)

Ever wonder?

2009-12-04T07:42:00.003-05:00

What I look like?

What I sound like?

How many times I can roll my eyes in five minutes? {wink}

Well, here's your chance to check out a video blog I had the opportunity to do on the She Seeks site this week.

Click here:

Be back next week for an exciting giveaway ok?

Much love,
Nicki

Be Blind.

2009-11-30T07:47:00.003-05:00

Sometimes, I live life with blinders on...and it's bad. I tend to be very naive, thinking the best of everyone, that intentions are always pure and motives are always right. I do, I confess it and quite often I find myself in a frenzy because I've believed someone's false hope or lies.

I see the same attribute in my middle daughter Hope. She is the one who will be suckered into every sales deal, every chance to dream big and she will always lose on "Let's make a deal". But Taylor (the oldest) and Kennedy (the youngest) they will not be blind-sided through life, nope, not them. They don't fall for daddy's tricks or mommy's tactics to get them to clean, they see it for what it's worth!

This past weekend, Kris and I had the chance to see this movie:

Besides the incredible true story-line for this movie it really left a huge effect on my heart. One that wraps itself up in the Lord's truth.

Sometimes, we need our eyes to be opened. We do. There are times when harm is headed our way and the Lord has to reveal it one by one. We may not want to see it, we may not want to believe it but only God can reveal it in His time. But then, there are times when we need to put our blinders on.

What?

Yes.

We have this ability to size other's up the moment they walk into a room. We cling to people who are like-minded and walk the same walk we do. To do what is always known is what is familiar and familiar...it feels good.

I have a friend. A friendship that would seem to other's very, unlikely. She is beautiful (intimidating beautiful), she is wealthy (I am not), she is older than me, she has a different story than me and she is someone that I think very highly of. But I have to be totally honest, when I first started becoming friends with her, it felt un-comfortable.

I felt like I was so opposite of her and where would we ever find a common ground? But I have to share with you that she has become one of the best-friends I have ever had in my life. We have walked through thick and thin...good times and bad....happy and sad....hormonal and non-hormonal. And it's really a beautiful friendship. We get each other...we really do.

But had I kept my normal insecurities and held onto what I had always known, I would have missed out on an incredible relationship in my life. Much like what this movie was about. I'm sure you can think of a relationship in your life that is exactly the same way....one that turned into an unexpected blessing.

I don't want to give too much away about this movie in case you haven't seen it. :) However, I am challenged to keep my blinders on...sometimes. I am challenged to love so much it hurts in the most unlikely way. I am challenged to be the hands and feet to someone in need and to stretch myself like never before. I am challenged to see other's the way God sees them and to be carefree before my Lord...to let Him lead and let Him show me.

"....Live carefree before God; He is most careful with you..." -1 Peter 5:6 (MSG)

What about you? If you've seen the movie, what effect did it have on you?

In Him,
Nicki

So, I'm not predicatable.

2009-11-24T16:26:00.002-05:00

Ok, I realize that I totally promised a second post on Monday to follow up with the last one, but hello...I'm a total slacker. ;)

But it's Tuesday so it's not THAT bad right?

I have so much I want to say right now.

The Lord is just moving through my heart with so much conviction about who I thought I was. For my bible study girls, this past week there was a woman that our bible study (Do you think I'm beautiful) mentioned:

The Church Lady.

Read closely the description of this woman:

"The church lady has a good heart. She is drawn to God and wants to serve Him out of gratitude. She wants to learn more about the One who has saved her. It's just that over time, more serving and more learning may become a checklist or a substitute for a deeper passion.....a doing instead of a becoming."

My heart stung when I read that.

Because, my friends, that is exactly who I have become. A doing-something for God rather than becoming-something for God. And for the past six months or so, I have felt like I was dying on the inside when the Lord showed us that our church home would be no more, I freaked. Because, church and "doing" church....that was all I knew.

I served.....that's what I did. And when there was no one to serve anymore and I was having to be the one served it was like my soul twisted and turned and I felt like I had been laid out to dry.

I have at times been miserable.

But all the while I have sought after the voice of God like never before. And He has told me to just be still....be still. Over and Over. To stop trying to jump into something new and let it fall from Him. That it's ok to say "no" and that if one door closes, it's for a divine purpose.

See, I think there are two types of women in the Christian community. Those that "make" God happen. And those that "wait" for God to happen. I have been both. And I think the "church lady" tends to fall into the category of "make it".

During this time the Lord has revealed so many things about who I thought I was. There were good things but there were also a lot of bad things. And this past Sunday I sat in a service where communion was held. It's been a long time since I had taken communion and to be honest, I had forgotten the way the effect that communion has on me. The humble pastor stood before his congregation and asked them to do like he was...examine our hearts.

Examining the heart, it's not easy. And it hurts. But the Lord showed me that the more I try to "make" Him put us in a church or "make" Him show me why all that has happened has or "make" Him move me to the next place...the more I am exactly that, The Church Lady.

I don't want to be her. I really don't. And I may constantly have to fight her off for the rest of my life. But I don't have this whole thing figured out and I probably never will. My faith, like yours...it's a process. It's a journey.

I have peace that I've never experienced before. I have an unexplainable joy that for example, if that book proposal I just poured my life into is rejected, then it will be ok. And if I never get asked to speak somewhere again, it will be ok. And even if I never become all I dream of being, it's ok. Because my passion has changed, and it's all about Him...all about Him.

Angela Thomas may never know what these closing words that she shared this week have changed my life. Forever.

"I pray that you are feeing the powerful tug of the Holy Spirit. That you sense God calling you toward becoming and balancing the call with all the doing that can so easily distract. May you desire the passionate life above all else."

Let's dance.

2009-11-20T07:37:00.003-05:00

This post is dedicated to my bible study girls. I had to cancel this week's study since my boo was sick and it stung my soul to do that. I look foreword to bible study probably more than anything in my life right now and refuse to let anything stop us from meeting. But sickness came...

However, there are some deep spiritual truths that I don't want anyone to miss. And maybe my five readers on this blog will appreciate it too. ;)So for today and Monday I will be posting some thoughts from this amazing bible study, in hopes to encourage other's along this road.

This week's lesson was on a heart that pursues God, no matter what. (And BTW, readers we are doing Do You Think I'm Beautiful by Angela Thomas)Angela talked about several of the roles we can take in our lives:

1. A Prodigal(Luke 15:20) - Been there, check
2. The Elder brother (Luke 15:25-31)- check
3. The Church Lady- check (I'll tell you more about this in a min)
4. The Dangerous woman- check, but need more checks beside this!

I have been the prodigal child. Many times. Even maybe recently in my life. But there's a spiritual idol in lives that I want to break from anyone that I can. There seems to be a stigma with those who once went astray. That they can never change, they can never truly be made whole and you are better than them if you didn't walk the road they did.

Maybe it's not something that is spoken, but it is implied in the hearts of many women time after time, and it shows. When someone returns to the Lord, whether it be after a week of running from Him or a life-time...it is something to celebrate! I love this quote from Angela: "Life is much too short. Dance the happy dance with someone today."

Who do you need to throw a block-party for today? It doesn't have to be extravagant or extreme maybe just a high-five, an e-mail that says "You are awesome" or just bragging about them to someone.

I would like to take this time now to do just that.

It's for my mom.

My mom has been a strong-solid person her whole life. She rarely falls apart spiritually, she knows where she stands on pretty much everything. She can be a bit stubborn {smiles} but she will also be your biggest cheerleader and fan in this life if she believes in you. I think my brother and I can both testify to that.

But this new obstacle in her life called, cancer...it has thrown her for a loop. She has not been able to be the strong one all the time anymore. She has had to be vulnerable and she has had to let her guard down in a new way for maybe the first time in her life. This woman who works 60 hours a week has had to stop and pause for the first time in a long time. She has had to reflect, listen and be still....something that is an honest struggle for her.

It's been hard to see my mom this way. It has. I don't like to think about her suffering, going through this alone at any point or even wondering if she goes through all of this the possibility that it could come back.

But a beautiful thing has happened in her life. She is closer to God than I have ever seen her. She is relying solely on Him for discernment and direction. Her entire hope to overcome this is based on His truths that He has given her. She is journaling and running like crazy to Him every day.

She reminds me of the things in life that are worth stressing over and the things that are not. Her perspective has changed. I hate what she is battling, I do, but I love what the battle has done to her soul. And it's because she has chosen to let God win, not the cancer.

My mom has cried many tears and said, "I don't know how anyone could go through this without God." I couldn't agree more....

So Mom, today I am doing the happy dance with you. We are not through this battle yet, but victory is on it's way. I love you.

Who do you want to dance for today? Leave a comment and let's dance together.

And then....He turned 30.

2009-11-18T15:22:00.010-05:00

Today there is a man entering a new era of life...his 30's.

My hubs. Kris.

30 is a huge birthday and if I was a good little wife I would have had spectacular things planned. But since I am also up for "Wife of the year" along with "Mother of the year"...not to much is happening around here. Plus....we are broke. Ugh.

Truth be told if money were no object, I would do many things.

For example, I would take him here:

Without ANY OF THESE:

And then I would buy him this:

Then he would sign this:

Which would state that he would never drive out of our neighborhood until each of our girls are grown and gone. {wink}

And to top it off, I'd have my hero:

Make something ridiculous and over the top like this:

But instead....honey you get this blog post in which I would like to tell all five of my readers what an awesome guy you really are. I don't get you sometimes...you don't get me sometimes...but I know under all the layers to you, you are a dedicated and loving man. Your girls love you and appreciate all the hard work you do for our family. Thank you for fighting for our life together and for running hard through everything you do.

You are my Mr.Fixer and I'd be lost without you in all these never-ending projects.

It's not always peaches-n-cream but it is always an adventure.

May the next 30 years of your life be as fulfilling as these first. And one day...one day, we'll do all the awesome stuff we dream of.

Forever your girls,
Nicki, Taylor, Hope and the Boo.

Strike a Chord and Come On.

2009-11-16T06:55:00.002-05:00

Last week one rainy and cold afternoon, I made my way to pick up my girls from their school. Rather than going through a insane car line at the new school, many of the parents opt to park across the street and walk to the school and pick up their kids. It makes it feel very "small townish". ;) Plus it saves time. In an effort to simplify anything in this crazy life, I've opted in on afternoon walker pickup festivities.

I've come to enjoy my time talking with other mom's and letting the boo run her wild self around the courtyard. Except when it's raining...then, it's no fun.

As was this day.

We were all standing there with our umbrellas and wet shoes praying that some bell-god would ring the bell just thirty seconds early to put us all out of our misery.

No such luck.

While waiting, a woman and her son came walking out of the school. Her son looked to be about four years old and he was apparently not having a good day either. As he threw himself in a fit onto the WET grass and took his shoes off, the momma looked as though she was on the verge of a breakdown.

I looked at her sympathetically as she said, "This is not a good day." As I have totally been there with my boo having the melt-downs and the sorts in ALL types of places. And there is nothing worse than having a bunch of perfected mom's or grandmother's observe your behavior while such an event is occurring!

Instead of just turning away and not staring, every-single-one of the perfected mommas put their eyes on that stressed out momma and that boy. And it was like a wolf-pack of mother's just waiting to devour her in their minds for what she would do next.

Now, hear me say, I am one of extreme-do-whatever-you-have-to-do behavior tactics. And granted this one that she was about to pull was a little over the top but it really got my wheels turning. As the tired and frustrated momma decided that she had plainly had ENOUGH, she told her son if he didn't get his shoes on and walk like a big boy, she would leave him there.

And he would not.

And so she did.

She walked to her car, got in and proceeded to leave.

If there were a precise "C"-chord to be struck in the "Oh-my-gosh-momma" hallelujah chorus, it had been struck at that moment. The looks of awe filled those mother's faces like nothing I have ever seen before! Of course she came back and picked him up in his fit of rage and pulled his screaming self to the car.

Said momma left a permanent mark of who she ws to everyone standing around her. Eyes were rolled and looks of disbelief were thrown her way. A part of me honestly wanted to high-five her for following through with a threat that EVERY momma has made to their child. And yet another part of me wanted to run after her and say, "Don't do it, these mommas will crucify you in their minds!".

This morning, I was thinking about if Jesus I were standing around with us momma's on that day, what would He think?

Would it be something like: "Wow, they really think more of themselves than what is so."? I have a feeling He would because there are a lot of "I think I'm better than you" people walking around in this world of ours.

But actually, He did say this, only it was through Paul in the book of Romans.

"...Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought to, but rather think of yourself with sober judgement.." -Romans 12:3

I LOVE the part that says "sober judgement". Because aren't we all just a little delusional in such situations as this. It's like our minds go into a drunken mode seeming to fog all the imperfect moments we have held as mom's, wives and as friends!

So today, I'm taking those blinder's off even more and hoping that you will strike a chord with me today, that of the "I'll-never-be-perfect" hallelujah chorus. It's a much sweeter song and I think we'll win over a lot more hearts and maybe even encourage someone around us.

Singing along,
Nicki